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2022 revealed: Covid Pfizzles out, Southgate suffers from Qatar and it’s Greta Nun-berg

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Madame Selene has been gazing into her crystal ball to enlighten TCW Defending Freedom readers on what the stars hold in store for 2022 …  

January   

SAGE declares the Omicron variant ‘a huge disappointment’, but recommends a ‘circuit breaker’ lockdown to combat the new ‘OhMyGod!’ variant.  

Plan D is introduced.  

A new ‘100 per cent effective’ Asbestomask is introduced. The asbestos lining is made from recycled material from the nuclear reprocessing plant at Sellafield.   

Pope Francis begins the beatification of Greta Thunberg, David Attenborough and Anthony Fauci.  

The NHS proudly announces its annual ‘Worst Ever Winter Crisis’.  

Austria declares itself to be the world’s first Medico-Fascist state: Germany joins them days later. Australia and Israel dispute their claim.  

The Chinese government nominates Extinction Rebellion for the Nobel Peace Prize, ‘for their efforts to eliminate coal and gas-fired power stations in Western nations’.  

Watford FC sack their manager.  

February   

SAGE recommends a ‘circuit breaker’ lockdown to combat the new ‘Beelzebub’ variant.  

Plan E is introduced.  

The period between booster shots is reduced to two months.  

Masks are mandated to be worn whilst asleep.  

The unvaccinated can leave their houses for only 20 minutes each day unless they are politicians or illegal immigrants.  

The NHS annual ‘Worst Ever Winter Crisis’ gets worse.  

The Government orders another 290million Pfizer gene therapy doses.  

Following the annexation of Eastern Ukraine by Russia and the reduction in gas supplies to Europe, freezing Europeans chop down recently-planted ‘carbon sink’ trees to keep warm.   

Sir Keir Starmer asks an urgent Commons question about the price of Chocolate Egg.  

March   

SAGE recommends a ‘circuit breaker’ lockdown to combat the new ‘Satan’ variant.  

Plan E+ is introduced.  

Everyone must wear full PPE at all times.  

The period between booster shots is reduced to one month.  

The Government orders another 420million Pfizer gene therapy doses.  

The NHS is overwhelmed by triple and quadruple vaccinated Covid patients, causing its annual ‘Worst Ever Winter Crisis’ to be described as the ‘Most Worst’ on record.  

The Government agrees that all babies must be vaccinated in the womb to prevent them being superspreaders.   

Prince Charles predicts the world will end at 3.37am on March 23, 2023, ‘unless we take drastic action on climate change’.  

Watford FC sack their manager.  

April  

SAGE recommends a ‘circuit breaker’ lockdown to combat the new ‘Son of Satan’ variant.  

As tens of thousands are sacked from the NHS for not taking the experimental inoculation, the NHS is disbanded and replaced by the National Covid Service.  

The period between booster doses is reduced to one week.  

As the weather improves, a record 10,000 migrants cross the Channel in one day.  

The Treasury announces that 30 per cent of GNP is now spent on Pfizer products.  

Because of budget constraints, HS2 will now run only between London Euston and the outskirts of Chalfont St Giles.  

Relief at the Treasury as Marcus Rashford approves Sunak’s budget proposals.  

Israel levels the Iranian nuclear processing facilities.   

Sir Keir Starmer asks an urgent question about Boris Johnson’s wallpaper.  

May  

SAGE recommends a ‘circuit breaker’ lockdown just for fun.  

The secret Plan X is introduced to ‘Save the National Covid Service’.  

Anyone caught sniffling, coughing or sneezing is sent to an isolation camp.  

On orders from Pfizer, the Government announces mandatory vaccinations.  

Booster shots are to be administered every day.  

Prince Charles pulls the final pint at Britain’s last remaining pub before it is demolished.  

Scotland is offered to the EU for a case of Liebfraumilch and 100million Pfizer doses.   

Ursula von der Leyen offers Pfizer Belgium in exchange for a billion doses to combat a new variant. The offer is turned down.  

The Food and Drug Administration allows Pfizer another 200 years before it needs to release documentation about the approval of its Covid-19 gene therapy.  

Following the invasion of Taiwan by the People’s Republic of China, Joe Biden sends congratulations to his friend President Xi.    

Sir Keir Starmer asks an urgent Commons question about bicycle lanes in Camden.  

June  

Wales is sold to Pfizer to pay for 800million new improved gene therapy doses.   

Scotland is sold to the EU for a bottle of Blue Nun, a croissant and 27 out-of-date Pfizer doses.  

In her desperation for more gene therapy doses, Ursula von der Leyen offers Belgium and the Netherlands to Pfizer in exchange for a half a billion doses to combat the latest variant.   

Pfizer agree to exchange 250,000 doses for Belgium, the Netherlands and Luxembourg.  

The Channel is congested with boats carrying illegal migrants fleeing the South Coast of England, trying to return to their countries of origin.  

Westminster Abbey becomes a Starbucks.  

Sajid Javid visits the Coronary Unit at St Thomas’ Hospital in London to award Deidre Millstream (37) a gold Vaccine Pass following her 30th Pfizer ‘booster’ injection.  

Michael Gove enters The Priory.  

July  

Following coups d’état in Portugal and Greece, the Global Alliance for Freedom mounts a co-ordinated attack on the World Economic Forum appointees in ‘Western democracies’.   

Arrest warrants are issued for those who colluded in the fake pandemic.  

Donald Trump is announced as the winner of the 2019 Presidential election.   

Joe Biden is arrested in an ice cream parlour.   

More than 600 MPs go into hiding.  

HS2 is abandoned.  

Watford FC sack their manager.  

August  

Covid mysteriously disappears.  

The Swiss Guard arrest Pope Francis and at a hastily-convened conclave Archbishop Vigano is unanimously elected as his successor.  

Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos are seen leaving the Earth’s gravitational field in a Blue Origin rocket.  

For the first time since their marriage, a week passes without a complaint from Prince Harry and his actress wife about invasion of their privacy.  

September   

Following the departure of Poland, Italy and Ireland, the EU is disbanded.   

Ursula von der Leyen is arrested whilst having her legs waxed in Ghent.  

Klaus Schwab, Emmanuel Macron and Mario Draghi are thought to have begun a ménage à trois, and are believed to have entered a cave complex in the Bavarian Alps.  

Members of SAGE are imprisoned in the Tower of London. Chris Whitty evades capture.  

October   

Justin Trudeau is arrested in an igloo in Northern Canada masquerading as an Al Jolson impersonator.  

Pfizer’s CEO Albert Bourla and his cat are apprehended whilst driving in his diamond-encrusted Bentley on his way to his solid gold ranch on a mountain top in Colorado.    

Chris Whitty is found, quivering in a restaurant, pretending to be a giant blancmange.  

November   

The interim Reclaim/ Reform/ Heritage/SDP government orders the building of ten new gas-fired power stations and the end of subsidies to wind farms.  

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern is captured trying to reach China, thinly disguised as the front of a pantomime horse.   

Australian PM Scott Morrison remains elusive and no one can remember what he looks like.  

An Amazon warehouse is spotted on the Moon.  

The World Cup begins in Qatar. Gareth Southgate says ‘he still has much to learn’ about the thousands of migrants who lost their lives building the facilities.  

England lose their opening match to Costa Rica after Harry Kane misses a last-minute penalty.  

December   

Nuremberg 2 trials begin.   

Anthony Fauci is first in the dock, followed by a multitude of journalists, medics, CEOs, lawyers, clergy and politicians.  

Javid, Johnson, Gove and Hancock plead insanity.  

After England lose their final group match to Ivory Coast, Gareth Southgate says he is proud to have fielded the first-ever LBGTQ+ team in the history of football.  

Gareth Southgate is sacked.  

The Paris Climate Agreement is discarded. All future COP meetings are abandoned.  

A weeping Saint Greta of Thunberg is spotted taking refuge in a nunnery.  

Watford FC appoint Gareth Southgate as their new manager.  

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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