Sunday, April 21, 2024
HomeCulture WarA crowd, a host, of snowflake-scaring lines from Wordsworth 

A crowd, a host, of snowflake-scaring lines from Wordsworth 


STUDENTS are reportedly being warned that poems by William Wordsworth, Percy Bysshe Shelley, John Keats and Alexander Pope have the potential to ‘disturb’ or ‘distress’. 

Bath Spa University apparently says the works feature representations of ‘violence, sexism and misogyny, death, mental illness, self-harm and suicide’.  

It claims the trigger warnings about the poems on its Romance and Revolution course ‘ensure a safe and inclusive environment’. 

The university does not identify which works are involved. But we can reveal that Wordsworth’s best-known poem, I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud, published in 1807, seems to be among the culprits. 

You may have thought it was a gentle, lyrical tribute to the beauty and power of nature. But, as this annotated version which has been leaked to TCW Defending Freedom shows, it is full of danger for the woke, risk-averse sensibilities of the modern snowflake student … 

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud (2022 Advisory Version)

I wandered (Does the poet have a map, compass and suitable wind and waterproof outdoor clothing? Has he seen a weather forecast and made a risk assessment? Has he told anyone he is going out and given an ETA for his return?) lonely (A disturbing lack of social interaction is indicated here) as a cloud (Does he not realise that water vapour is a greenhouse gas!) 

That floats on high o’er vales and hills (See previous advisory re suitable equipment) 

When all at once I saw a crowd (Were they socially distanced?), 

A host, of golden daffodils (Biological diversity information required – what varieties were they?); 

Beside the lake (Can the poet swim? Is lifesaving equipment available?), beneath the trees (Do these include any endangered species, or are they threatened by illegal logging?), 

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze (Wind speed check advisory). 

Continuous as the stars that shine 

And twinkle on the Milky Way (Isn’t that a chocolate bar? Obesity risk) 

They stretched in never-ending line 

Along the margin of a bay: 

Ten thousand saw I at a glance (High pollen alert, anti-histamine tablets advisory)

Tossing (Contentious expression, suggest use ‘agitating’ instead) their heads in sprightly (Ageist advisory) dance. 

The waves beside them danced (Storm warning?); but they 

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee: 

A poet could not but be gay (Contentious and possibly discriminatory expression. Suggest use ‘intergender’ instead), 

In such a jocund (Bit baffled by this. Was Joe Kund a friend of Wordsworth?) company: 

I gazed – and gazed (Risk of eyestrain, recommend ophthalmic intervention) – but little thought 

What wealth the show to me had brought (Could this indicate money laundering or a bitcoin transaction?): 

For oft, when on my couch I lie (Lack of aerobic exercise indicated) 

In vacant or in pensive mood (Possible depressive illness. Refer poet to NHS, but advise he may wait years for mental health treatmentand might be better going private if he can afford it) 

They flash upon that inward eye (Glaucoma check? See ophthalmic intervention, above) 

Which is the bliss of solitude (Unhealthy lack of social interaction, see previous advisory); 

And then my heart with pleasure fills (Coronary health advisory – does pleasure block the arteries? Defibrillator needed on standby?) 

And dances (Dancing or similar exertion inadvisable until coronary examination) with the daffodils. 

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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