A staggering number of people in Britain have a near-fatal allergy to Actualities that can have catastrophic results if they are unwittingly exposed to them. As a result, Britain could find itself sleepwalking into a mixed melodramatic metaphor without a paddle.

As many as 13million voters have Toxic Truth Syndrome (TTS), a condition that has devastating effects on its sufferers. If they come into contact with reality, their bodies can go into shock and a chain of horrifying reactions is set in motion.

For example, the revelation that racism is a broad church that includes all colours and creeds is too much to take in, and veracity exceeds their capacity.

Rent-a-rant TV ‘personality’ Owen Jones is the best-known TTS sufferer. When he came into contact with a nonsense-free environment created by Julia Hartley-Brewer, his reaction was described by witnesses as ‘rash’. Jones’s tongue swelled, his eyes went out on stalks and his head shook from side to side uncontrollably as if he was possessed by an authenticity demon.

In the end, he was forced to throw down his microphone and run off the set.

A concerned Hartley-Brewer later categorised the sock puppet’s behaviour as ‘Complete Rancour’.

How do you know if you are a TTS sufferer?

The Factose Intolerant can be boring and bellicose. If you find yourself acting like James O’Brien with a nail in his foot, and shouting over everyone, you could be Factose Intolerant.

Some handle the disorder with comfort blanket statements, whereby everyone who disagrees with them is libelled as a racist. Owen Jones and James O’Brien cope by benchmarking anyone and everything against social conditions in Germany in the 1930s, believing that the monoculture of the Weimar Republic is an exact match for multi-cultural Britain in 2018.

Ironically, the Factose Intolerant are often remarkably outspoken, with many gravitating towards careers in the media. This has baffled doctors for years. ‘I give my patients this simple advice: if you’ve got a glass jaw, don’t take up boxing,’ said truth dispenser Dr Hartley-Brewer, adding: ‘but they never listen.’

Instead Jones is campaigning to have the condition ‘normalised’. He is demanding that businesses create a fact-free radio station for him, which he can use as a bridgehead to wiping out Truth from the entire broadcasting industry.

On Wednesday he issued a Martyrdom Message on Twitter, announcing that he was going to boycott any radio station that dares to offer free speech. So far, his main target, LBC (London’s Broadcasting Condescenti) has resisted.

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