The latest leaked memo from Downing Street about the forthcoming climate change conference in Glasgow has come into our hands …
From: The Prime Minister
To: COP26 organising team
Re: Draft of my keynote speech
IN publicising my Net Zero policy recently, I have told the public I see a future Britain as ‘the Saudi Arabia of Wind Power’, ‘the Qatar of Hydrogen’ and ‘the Klondike of Carbon Capture’.
I think these witty, positive images of mine have gone down rather well and further memorable quips on those lines would ensure I take the conference by storm.
So here is a definitive list of the phrases describing Britain that I intend to include in my address …
The Elysian Fields of Ethanol
The Happy Hunting Ground of Hydro-Electric
The Arcadia of AGW
The Nirvana of Negative Carbon
The New Jerusalem of Nuclear
The Shangri-La of Sewage Composters
The Paradise of Heat Pumps
The Refuge of Renewables
The Sanctum of Sustainability
The Home of the Hockey Stick Graph
The Throne of Thunberg
The Eden of EVs
The Sceptr’d Isle of Insulation
The Broad, Sunlit Uplands of Biomass
The Promised Land of Polar Bears
The Utopia of Underfloor Heating
The Early Grave of Greenhouse Gases
The Haven from Hypothermia
The Castle of Carbon Offset
The Kingdom of the Kyoto Protocol
The Nemesis of Nutty Slack
Please note that in the earlier draft I sent, which was distributed around your department, a final item was listed: ‘The Bastion of Climate Bulls**t’.
This seems to have been added internally and I would appreciate your efforts in finding the culprit.
