I know it is tough out there. I made it tough for you so I should know.
Look, I’m not stupid, I am well aware that this virus thingummybob has done its worst already and we know that all these lockdown measures, restrictions and office and business closures we introduced make next to no difference except for ruining our economy.
But the scientific-y medic types with long serious faces who I’ve handed over the reins to conveniently tell me that there is a chance that things might get worse again although there is absolutely no evidence that it’s likely. So that is obviously very scary and I must act, which is why I am determined to continue to make life as difficult for you as possible and ruin your social life, family life, leisure and sports activities, job prospects etc. and make you very worried about your long-term future. I’m sure you can see the benefit of such a thoughtful approach. You cannot be too careful, as the saying goes.
You may have noticed that we listen to only the gloomiest of these medics. It makes sense. If they were more optimistic and wrong then they’d be out of a job (and so might I). Being pessimistic and wrong carries no penalty for them or me so of course they carry on being pessimistic. It’s a win-win. And they, like me, do like winning. It’s not so good for you at the moment but I’m sure you’ll pull through and the hard truth is that your job isn’t as important as mine.
It’s very clear to me why it is useful allowing these hopeless modellers and boffins with no experience of the real world to rule the roost, and why although they are discredited we listen to them and encourage them to pop up on the telly and radio all the time.
I’ll tell you why. Victory, that’s why. I like victory and I like victorious people. That’s why I wrote a biography of Churchill. I like the feeling of victory and the way to get it is to constantly talk about a battle even if you must make one up. The war on terror was a bit like that and look how well that went.
My battle with Covid is huge and I’m uniquely qualified to know what to do because I’ve had it. You see, having the disease gives me special insight into the economic effect of the lockdown, the cost of ruining your welfare and of making you miserable and scared. Everyone believes me, so being a victim has helped me enormously. You should try being one yourself, it really helps you get on in life.
If we waste billions of pounds of your money pretending we can eliminate the virus which most experts say can’t be eliminated, just like we can’t eliminate cold and flu viruses, but luckily is pretty harmless to 99.5 per cent of the population, I can declare a victory and prepare for the next battle. You will suffer but in a great cause. That cause is victory.
Even now you may still be wondering why I take a blind bit of notice of these eggheads when they have been so utterly wrong, and I’m going to level with you and be completely honest. It makes life a hell of a lot easier for the government if people are compliant – and we do believe in compliancy as you can see by our stream of announcements about what you must do, on pain of fines or being branded a pariah by the compliants.
The best way to make you all compliant – I mean do the right thing of course – is to scare you with tales of horror and imply you might be causing death of grannies (or more likely grandpas) if you don’t wear a mask at work or in Tesco. The eggheads are brilliant on horror. One tweak of the model and the death rate forecast goes into the hundreds of thousands. I don’t need to say anything except well done chaps.
It makes life easier for us without a proper Parliament, it saves time not having to make an assessment of the damage being done by our strong measures and who wants to be accountable when it might mean you can’t change your mind every day and make your lives more interesting by not telling you whether you can come back from holiday without fearing for your job because of quarantine.
You may also be wondering why we (and I include my media friends here) don’t tell you that the increase in cases that we have seen recently mainly comes from more testing or that almost none of those people actually get seriously ill. Simple: that would make the job of making you compliant and put up with the lower standing of living that we are causing just that bit more difficult. What would be the point of that?
To top that, about a dozen more people having tested positive for Covid around Manchester led us to lockdown three and a half million in the whole of the Greater Manchester area and we didn’t even have to justify it or assess the cost. Now that’s what I call being decisive, and the lack of accountability that comes with it is hugely underrated.
What could be more fun than waking up in the morning and changing the rules about how you live your lives on my whim? I love it and the media love it because a scare story is all they care about. I should know, I worked in the media for years. That’s why media folk wanted more lockdowns and quarantines and wouldn’t give you a positive story if they were being branded with hot irons.
It’s been tough but you must admit we have protected the NHS. We’ve scared everybody away from hospitals and actively discouraged contact with doctors’ surgeries. There is no overcrowding and hospitals and doctors are happily less busy. With the sudden drop in cancer testing and diagnosis and seemingly reduced prevalence of heart disease it must mean these diseases are becoming less common, which is great.
Public transport is much safer because there is hardly anyone on it and my friend the Mayor of London says you shouldn’t use it unless you absolutely have to. Happily his message is working and if lots of jobs will be lost it is likely to be even less crowded. A win-win again. He must be incredibly pleased.
So compliance with all these sensible measures has benefits. Try to enjoy them – without travelling on trains, buses, planes, being physically close to anyone, or going to pubs, cinemas, working in an office or much else frankly.