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A pleb’s guide to how William will save the planet


PRINCE William’s Earthshot charity has a mission to prevent the planet reaching a ‘tipping point’ after which it will become a barren rock. The charity is committed to donating five £1million grants per year to fund those who are seen to be helping to prevent this misfortune. The chair of the board is the scourge of the Women’s Institute, William Hague, who famously infiltrated the Conservative Party disguised as a schoolboy.

TCW Defending Freedom gained an interview with a member of Earthshot’s public relations team. For ease of reference and to preserve anonymity, he or she will be referred to as Athena. He or she was unusually frank with his or her responses.

Athena began by describing some of the recent grant winners who are busy saving the planet. These included a lady in Kenya who makes stoves, indigenous Australian women who stare at the Great Barrier Reef, and a firm which makes interesting things out of seaweed. Athena admitted that on their own these people and their ‘tinpot’ schemes were unlikely to make much impact, but ‘it was jolly nice jetting off to Nairobi and I adore awards ceremonies. Last year’s was epic. It was in Boston, you know the one in America, not the little one with the Stump’.

The latest appointment to Earthshot’s board of trustees is the former New Zealand dictator Jacinda Ardern. She was asked to join because her commitment to totalitarianism fits well with the charity’s ethos. During her time terrorising the nation of her birth, she is best remembered for telling the public: ‘We will continue to be your single source of truth’ and ‘Unless you hear it from us, it is not the truth’. Earthshot is keen for that type of messaging to be applied in its quest to avoid unpleasant weather. Challenged about the suitability of Ms Ardern’s appointment, Athena said that it was important to tell the ‘plebs’ what was true, as ‘most of them aren’t clever enough to know how frightfully ignorant they are’.

A less well-publicised appointment to the board of trustees is His Excellency Kim Jong-un, President of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. President Kim’s rule has much in common with that of Ms Ardern but his dictatorship has been far less authoritarian. He has also been a leader in the drive to achieve global Net Zero. In fact, since its creation, his country has always absorbed more CO2 than it has produced and citizens are sent to labour camps if found to be exhaling more than their quota of the earth-destroying gas. Athena told us that President Kim is a lot of fun and was ‘amazing’ at charades during the party following the awards ceremony.

President Xi Jinping is another enthusiastic board member. Athena explained that he is keen to help us avoid using coal by buying it for Chinese power stations. ‘If he did not make this sort of sacrifice then there would be a great temptation for our government to use coal to produce electricity. Can you imagine the horror?’ We were told that Xi’s party trick is to juggle baby pangolins.

Athena believed that the villainous war criminal, ‘Sir’ Tony Blair, was an inspired choice to be offered a place on the Earthshot board. ‘We were very keen to recruit someone who could lie to people in such a convincing manner. To save the planet we need people who can say the most outrageous nonsense and be believed.’ 

Sam Smith, the rotund singer who has recently performed in costumes depicting Satan and other unsavoury characters, has also been co-opted on to the board. Athena admitted that Smith had no particular expertise to contribute but someone thought ‘it would annoy all the right people’.

The funding for the Earthshot prizes and the lavish award ceremonies comes from parasitical organisations, or ‘philanthropists’ as they prefer to be known, which seek to make vast sums by taxing and enslaving poor people.

Asked what difference the Earthshot Prizes would make to the weather, Athena was quite candid. ‘It will make not a jot of difference but Wills and Kate are as keen as everyone else to jump on this virtue-signalling bandwagon.’

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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