Wednesday, May 12, 2021
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A reluctant red card for the Super League

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Our man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton, the raffish, six-times-married, long-serving Member of Parliament who is Assistant Under Secretary at the Department for Transport, has released a statement to The Conservative Woman about an approach made to him to join the board of an organisation called The European Super League.

I WAS recently approached by an American gentleman named General Wayne Stollenberger the Third, who claimed to be a representative from a new organisation called ‘The European Super League’. He offered me a large sum of money to become a board member of this new organisation. Apparently, Prince William had declined such a position, and they require a titled person of repute, such as myself, who would add legitimacy and gravitas to their enterprise.

Although a rugger man myself I have had some experience of Association Football. For example, many years ago I had the pleasure of ‘kicking off’ at an All Stars charity football match alongside the delightful Miss Diana Dors. During the game I recall a contretemps between a young Rod Stewart and Jess Conrad over a disputed penalty appeal, and a head butting incident involving Cliff Richard and Lulu. I am pleased to say that harmony was restored over tea and cake in the clubhouse.

I am also a patron of Tittleham Rovers, and have on many occasions sponsored the half-time oranges. 

Although Tittleham Rovers currently languish in fifteenth place in the fifth division of the Pfizer Southern Counties League, their new owner Mr Andrew Wiggins, proprietor of the Nether Tittleham delicatessen, has great plans for the club. He told me that he found two young Africans wandering on the beach at Tittleham-on-Sea recently, and, subject to immigration clearance, he feels they would make a significant contribution in the ‘midfield diamond’ he intends to introduce. 

I must confess I have no idea what he means, but I do know that many of my constituents dream that one day ‘The Ferrets’ will be striving to assail the pinnacle of the game by thrashing Barcelona United in the FA Cup Final.

On the face of it, the board position looks attractive and the financial rewards are not inconsiderable; however, following extensive research by my secretary Catherine, I have reluctantly decided that the foundations of this League are built on sand. She tells me that Arsenal, a London football club, are one of the six in England who wish to be members of the competition. She also tells me that they are fighting relegation, and in their most recent game only a last-minute goal prevented defeat by another team who are almost certain to be relegated. Many are of the opinion they would struggle to beat Tittleham Rovers.

I also learnt that another aspiring team, Tottenham, are doing little better and are in disarray. Their manager has just been sacked, and their best player, a Mr Harold Kane, is desperate to leave. 

With such unwise choices of founder members, I can only assume that the new Super League will be anything but ‘super’, and I have, therefore, declined their offer to join the board.

I have heard that in view of my disinclination to support this new venture several of the original participants have now decided that it is not in their best interests to persevere with this benighted endeavour.

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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