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A revised history of Britain (Labour version)

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THE Labour Party wants a review of Britain’s colonialist history. One can just imagine a Labour government’s history textbook.

1066 The Norman invasion establishes the principle of unrestricted immigration. Our European partners from Normandy come over to introduce a new age of multiculturalism by killing the white nationalist King Harold and, together with the Labour movement, giving his racist Anglo-Saxons a good hiding at the Battle of Cable Street.

1189 Richard I leads the Third Crusade despite its racist connotations. In Richard’s absence, Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the poor, ending decades of Tory austerity.

1290 Edward I decides on Expulsion of the Jews, whom he says discriminate against Palestinians and finance the slave trade, both contrary to international law. Edward claims to have spent his whole career fighting anti-Semitism and all forms of racism.

1381 The Peasants’ Revolt against the government’s taxation programme. Wat Tyler goes on to represent England in the Eurovision Song Contest with It’s A Heartache.

1485 A historic victory for the Red Rose of Lancaster over the White Rose of Yorkends the War of the Roses. Henry VII sings ‘Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer, we’ll keep the red flag flying here’ as he hoists the colours above Downing Street.

1588 The fascist, imperialist, neo-Blairite Elizabeth I sends a task force to intercept the Spanish Armada. The silly woman’s irresponsible warmongering sets a precedent followed by Mrs Thatcher with her disastrous invasion of the Falklands.

1649 Following the execution of Charles I, England finally becomes a republic. Unfortunately Oliver Cromwell bashes the Irish, lets the Jews back in and is hopeless on climate change. The Dutch take advantage and restore the monarchy, under whose jackboot the oppressed masses have suffered ever since.

1789 The white, male, heterosexual George III totally fails to support the French Revolution, showing his complete disregard for people who, through no fault of their own, happen to be French. And during the Terror that follows, instead of reaching out to Robespierre, calling him his ‘much valued friend’ and ‘an essential partner in the peace process’, George prefers to go mad. Which is what happens when you’re ruled by the self-perpetuating hereditary clique of a privileged few.

1834 The transportation of the Tolpuddle Martyrs is the most seminal moment in British history. Six agricultural workers are sent to Australia for forming a trades union (and brought back when acquitted), which shows the whole world the sickening brutality of a reactionary racist government that will stop at nothing to crush the legitimate aspirations of ordinary working people in order to fund the military junta’s war machine, just in time for World War I.

1914 Britain’s government starts World War I to protect the interests of a colonialist empire that has subjugated a quarter of the world, forcing into slavery and genocide whole populations in a plot devised by wealthy bankers to steal from the poor and give to the rich.

1945 America drops the Atom Bomb, ending a war that could easily have been averted if only people were prepared to sit down and talk to people who they might disagree with.

1948 The establishment of the State of Israel is the cause of all the world’s troubles, from the Norman Conquest onwards. 

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David Isaacson
Former foreign-news editor at The Telegraph (Weekly Edition) and arts editor at The Jerusalem Post.

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