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Sunday, April 14, 2024
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HomeCulture WarA Rorke’s Drift to the left

A Rorke’s Drift to the left

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WITH electoral disaster looming, the Conservatives need a deliverance like that of Rorke’s Drift, where a handful of British soldiers repelled 4,000 Zulus in 1879, says former Tory Attorney-General Sir Geoffrey Cox. 

So what’s likely to happen? Let’s fast-forward to October, where we find Lieutenant Sunak and his troops crouching behind a hastily-constructed barrier of boxes of unused PPE at the Whitehall entrance to Downing Street. Colour Sergeant Shapps returns from a recce.

‘What did you see, Colour Sergeant?’

–  ‘Hordes of Labour MPs, sir. 650 of ’em.’

‘What are they attacking us with? Spears?’

– ‘No, sir. Ballots.’

‘Don’t you mean bullets?

–  ‘No sir, ballot papers – they’re screwing them up into balls and bombarding us with them. They’ve overrun our Commons stronghold and taken every seat. They’re carrying Big Chief Starmer shoulder-high and chanting that we’ve lost the Battle of Hustings.’

‘Right, pull everyone back to the No10 redoubt. We’ll make a last stand there.’

Sunak calls over Quartermaster-Sergeant Gove. ‘What’s left in our ammunition locker, Gove?’

–  ‘Not much, sir. All our promises are empty, our budget has misfired, our credibility is broken and our last initiative blew up in our face.  And a load of our defeated MPs are lying comatose in the lobby of No10, dead drunk.’

‘Right, pile them into a human shield outside the door – and make sure they’re levelled up. Put Lance Corporal Mordaunt forward of them, waving that sword of hers, and tell Field Marshal Lord Cameron to go up to the first-floor window.’

– ‘But there’s no way out for him from there, sir!’

‘No, Gove. If the Labour mob breaks through, we’ll drop him on them. Meanwhile, I’m going to challenge Big Chief Starmer to single combat.’

– ‘You mean you’ll go out and face him in a fight to death to decide the issue, as in the days of chivalry? How brave, how noble!’

‘Good grief, no. I mean I’ll propose an arm-wrestling contest between Suella Braverman and Emily Thornberry.’

– ‘Too late, sir – the Labour MPs are getting restless again. They’re making some sort of mass movement.’

‘You mean the dreaded “horns of the bull” tactic, as used by the Zulus, where they’ll overwhelm us with a two-pronged attack?’

– ‘I don’t think so, sir. They’ve swivelled round and are heading back down Whitehall! It’s not so much a bull run, more a U-turn. Now Big Chief Starmer is addressing them.’

‘You can understand Starmer-speak, Gove. What’s he saying?’

–  ‘Let’s see. He’s telling them that, in line with his policy strategy in the run-up to the election, becoming Prime Minister was only an aspiration, not a commitment. And if Jeremy Corbyn fancies the job, it’s his.’

‘Oh no! Sound the retreat! Every man for himself!’

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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