PRESS COLLECT BEAST LONDON
NOTHING MUCH HAS HAPPENED EXCEPT WHOLE COUNTRY UNDER CURFEW BECAUSE OF PANDEMIC PROFESSOR WHO RECOMMENDED IT RESIGNED BECAUSE HE BROKE IT WITH MARRIED LOVER BUT PRIME MINISTER ALL RIGHT AS MOVED HIS OWN MISTRESS INTO NUMBER TEN SHE HAS HAD BABY AND THEY ARE NOW ENGAGED FOLLOWING HIS DECREE ABSOLUTE HE NEARLY DIED FROM SHAKING HANDS WITH EVERYBODY UNPROTECTED BUT IS NOW OUT OF HOSPITAL
PERSONAL PROTECTION EQUIPMENT ORDERED FROM CHINA BUT IMPOUNDED ON ARRIVAL AS NOT GOOD ENOUGH DAILY MAIL ORGANISED ANOTHER LOT DIRECT WE ARE ALL SUPPOSED TO WEAR MASKS AND GLOVES BUT IF WE DO THE NHS WILL BE EVEN SHORTER OF THEM STILL WE CAN STAND OUTSIDE AND CLAP ON A THURSDAY TO ENCOURAGE THE HEALTH WORKERS
EVERYBODY WAS TOLD TO STAY HOME EXCEPT TO GO FOR SHOPPING MEDICINE EXERCISE NEWSAGENTS OFF LICENCE AND TAKEAWAY FOOD SO MY LEGS ARE GETTING TIRED PRIME MINISTER SAYS WE CAN EXERCISE AS MUCH AS WE LIKE FROM WEDNESDAY BUT BEATEN TO IT BY 99 YEAR OLD MAN WHO RAISED MILLIONS LAST MONTH WITH PROLONGED WALK JOHNSON TELLS WORKERS TO LEAVE HOME AND STAY ALERT BUT NOT FOR BOAT PEOPLE LIKE NIGEL FARAGE LOVELY SPRING WEATHER LOOKING FORWARD TO SUNBATHING AT GARDEN CENTRE WILL CABLE AGAIN IF THERE IS ANY NEWS YOURS BOOT
With apologies to Evelyn Waugh
