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A warning to Putin from the ‘Jabbing Actor’


TCW Defending Freedom has heard once again from the ‘Jabbing Actor’, Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite, who describes his charity work on behalf of actors in Ukraine.

I HAVE noticed a recent surge in the demand for Ukrainian food. Only last week I delivered a bumper box of Varenyky to a refugee family from Mariupol who displaced the Syrian family who ousted the Iraqi family who had been briefly accommodated by the Archbishop of Canterbury at Lambeth Palace. 

Since my bravura performance in Snow Person and the Seven Jabbers in Basingstoke, I have been mostly resting. I did have the chance to audition for a part in a new BBC production From Brother to Sister, a drama/documentary about transgender nuns and their struggle to combat global warming, but unfortunately for them, and despite my four jabs, it coincided with my testing positive once more for Covid. I am beginning to think that the vaccines are not quite as effective as we were promised.

However, I have been very busy recently with the Gunnersbury and Brentford Ukrainian Actors Solidarity Collective (GABUASC). The members of the group are committed to ending the conflict, and doing whatever they can to support our thespian colleagues who are suffering terribly from the despicable Russians. 

We have been very active. In the interests of freedom and peace, we have successfully campaigned for local libraries to remove all copies of Solzhenitsyn and Dostoevsky from their shelves. Last month we held our first Ukrainian Poetry Evening which raised over £14 for our comrades, and next Friday we are inviting local residents to bring metallic objects of any size to Griffin Park in Brentford. There they will find a skip which will take their donations to be made into shell cases for the gallant Azov brigades of the Ukrainian armed forces. Additionally, I have donated the script based on my autobiography Cabbage Soup to Caviar: A Star’s Journey, to the Lviv Goat-Herders Amateur Dramatics Society.

If these measures do not cause the Russians to desist from their egregious behaviour more actions will follow.

Since the winding down of the Covid regulations there have been fewer roles for those of us with expertise as crisis actors. I have been offered various roles by the state broadcasting authorities in Kyiv, and although it is gratifying to note that my reputation has spread to more obscure cultural outposts, I feel that my time is better spent helping their cause by being an active member of GABUASC. I have also been reassured by my agent that more London-based roles will be available when the next Covid-19 variant is unveiled on 25 September.

In my darker moments I take comfort from the words of Benedict (or ‘Benny’ as he is known to those of us whom he regards as friends) Cumberbatch, when I delivered him a Spiralised Veggie Pizza with extra zucchini and garlic bread, ‘Thank you, dear boy, you have just made the world a better place.’

Rest assured that no matter what misfortune casts its glowering shadow over you, no matter what crisis cruel fate hurls precipitously in your direction, Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite will be at your disposal, striving in ways artistic to make the world a better place and make your life that little bit more bearable.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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