Saturday, May 18, 2024
HomeCulture WarA young person’s guide to Labour’s brave new Net Zero world

A young person’s guide to Labour’s brave new Net Zero world


LABOUR MP Nadia Whittome is thrilled that the party has adopted her Climate Education Bill in its draft policy programme ahead of the next election. Nadia believes that young people must have the tools to be part of the solution and thrive in a Net Zero world. TCW has obtained a draft of the new school curriculum.


A short video showing a tearful Sir David Attenborough lamenting the death of a penguin, followed by a period of silent reflection.

The headteacher leads the assembly in a Buddhist chant.

Readings from The Climate Book by Greta Thunberg followed by several minutes of co-ordinated wailing.

Pupils take turns to bash a piñata representing an evil Climate Denier.

Net Zero survival skills

Pupils will experiment with a range of materials to discover which may help them to avoid hypothermia.

How to deal with searing heat.

Making a wattle-and-daub house suitable for a small family.

How to build a raft.

Fasting, foraging, begging and bartering.

Domestic Science

Why Domestic Science is racist.

How to make a simple dish from readily foraged insects.

How to deal with electric bus, electric scooter and electric bicycle battery fires.

Best ways to eke out your food, electricity and water rations.


Why History is racist.

The damage done by the Industrial Revolution. 

How colonialism accelerated climate change.

The blight of white supremacy.

The perils of ‘democracy’.

The cow – myth or reality?

A visit to the Museum of the Car.


Why Geography is racist.

What lies beyond . . . pupils speculate about what may lie outside their permitted zone.

Authorised archive footage will identify the dangers that lurk without.

A supervised field trip to a neighbouring 15-minute city.


Why Maths is racist.

How to use your Carbon Credits.

Sample questions:

1.       If 100 Carbon Credits allows you two days in Morecambe, how many credits do you need to visit Blackpool for three days?

2.       You are deducted 10 Carbon Credits for a relatively minor hate crime – how many days of self-isolation are required to regain your Credits?

3.       If a person is earning 100,000 Britcoins, how much tax do they need to pay to prevent atmospheric Carbon Dioxide levels exceeding 450 parts per million?

4.       If we owe Jamaica 5billion Britcoins in reparations, how much are we required to give to Guyana? The Solomon Islands? Canada?


How to inform on neighbours you suspect are late in receiving their mandated vaccines, or collecting rainwater.

Celebrating the NHS – different ways to give homage to our greatest institution.  

Ways to lower your carbon footprint.

Volunteering roles at a re-education camp.

Leavers Careers Fair

The fair will include opportunities for numerous careers in the exciting ‘Green Economy’ including air quality monitors, cladding inspectors, 15-minute city compliance enforcers, electric battery fire (EBF) disposal operatives, bug hunters and many more.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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