TO counteract the dwindling income from the hundreds of thousands who have abandoned the pretend Conservative Party, Baron Smith of Hindhead, chief executive of the Association of Conservative Clubs, is valiantly attempting to increase party coffers by encouraging gambling. First prize in the Conservative Lottery (when you win, we all win) is £10,000 and a ten-minute phone conversation with Rishi Sunak. Ten minutes is surely wildly inadequate to tell the warmongering globalist stooge that he is destroying everything party members voted for in 2019.
To entice members to participate, Lord Smith asks: ‘Is there a dream purchase you’ve been putting off?’ I suspect the remaining loyalists will happily remind his lordship that their dreams have been shattered by high taxation, rampant inflation and a record national debt.
However, nor to be outmanoeuvred, other political parties are jumping on the lottery bandwagon.
In the Labour Party Lottery, the first prize is described as ‘A Night on the Razz with Our Ange’.
The lucky winner will meet the deputy leader of the party, Angela Rayner, in a Wetherspoons pub, the Ash Tree in Ashton-under-Lyne, for several shots of blue vodka. After a slap-up pizza supper you will be whisked into the centre of Manchester for a karaoke session with Andy Burnham and football legend Gary Neville. Ange will then give you the chance to ‘have it large’ in one of Manchester’s loudest nightclubs. Your fun evening will end with the choice of kebab or Indian food in the city’s famed ‘Curry Mile’.
The winner of the Green Party Lottery will receive a place on a course titled Dinner Party Deflection Strategies. The Greens are aware that members are often politely challenged at dinner parties about how they reconcile their skiing trips to Zermatt and annual jaunts to the Caribbean and Morocco with their desire to save the planet from the impending carbon dioxide-driven apocalypse.
The course will take the form of role play at a dinner party hosted by Caroline Lucas. Between courses of insect- and plant-based delicacies, the winner will be educated in tactics to avoid charges of rank hypocrisy. Examples of deflection will include: talking about Barnaby’s brand-new electric Mercedes; pointing out the carbon offsetting resulting from the rewilding of a section of your estate, and discussing recipes for leftover quinoa.
First prize in the LibDem Lottery is the chance to be part of the policy forum which is compiling the party’s election manifesto. The lucky winner will be asked to rearrange a collection of random words such as climate, sandals, vegan, beards, pointless, wind turbines, the EU, dog dirt, proportional representation, bovine flatulence, cycle lanes, weeds etc. to create the meaningless drivel required for said manifesto.
The Reform Party Lottery winner will be given lessons in elegance and deportment by the golden couple Richard Tice and Isabel Oakeshott. The party believes that the key to winning at the next election is to appeal to those who speak properly, dress well, have good posture and a pleasant smile.
Should their lottery not provide the Conservatives with the income they require, it is anticipated that they will introduce their version of The Hunger Games. A youth aged between 12 and 18 will be nominated by each constituency association to take part in life-or-death tournaments with other boys. The contests will be televised by Netflix. The winning child’s family will receive the cost of a year’s supply of electricity. The family of the deceased will be given a signed photograph of Michael Gove.