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All they want for Christmas (Part Two)


TCW Defending Freedom is honoured to publish a further selection of the great and good telling us what they would like to receive as a Christmas gift.

Prince Charles 

One is hoping to receive an addition to one’s plant family: perhaps an aloe vera or ficus. One understands aloes are good conversationalists, whilst one has been told that the ficus can relate some good jokes. Last year Camilla bought me a spider plant but it reminds one of a golf club bore who never stops ranting about football and Jeremy Corbyn.

Keir Starmer 

I shall be spending Christmas Day working on ways to rebuild the so-called ‘Red Wall’. To that end I am hoping to be given a copy of ‘Hartlepool Tide Times 2016’ and ‘Workington and District Bus Services’.

Boris Johnson 

After my excursion to Peppa Pig World I expect to be getting lots of freebies which I shall pass on to my latest children, Thingy 7 and the new one, Thingy 8. Or is it 8 and 9?

Sajid Javid

Sadly I won’t have time to open any presents on Christmas Day this year as I’ll be up early knocking on doors getting the good people of Bromsgrove to visit their nearest vaccination centre. We have several millions of doses that are about to expire and we have to get rid of somehow.

Dame Karren Brady

Get me a pair of handcuffs! The first unvaccinated scum I come across is going to be forcibly restrained and handed over to the appropriate authorities so they can be sent a re-education camp. I’m a proper Karren I am, I’ve got two r’s in my name and I’m really hard.

Ian Hislop

I would like nothing more than a copy of the deluxe edition of The Best of Bernard Manning. I will try anything to be amusing.

Jacinda Ardern

Carrots! Neigh, neigh! More carrots! Neigh, neigh! and turnips! Neigh, neigh!

Matt Hancock

Normally I’d be unwrapping lots of funny little things that my children had made for me at school (sob), but this year (sob) I will look forward to spending quality time with my new love Gina whom I saw knitting a tank top which may well be my surprise present (sob).

Bill Gates

Now that Jeffrey Epstein has tragically passed away and my wife has left me, I don’t think I will be getting any presents. I might buy myself South Dakota, where I can grow some genetically modified soya beans.

Greta Thunberg

Christmas mean nothing, just people buying plastic rubbish made millions of miles away. I plan sunbathing in the Arctic where it is very hot. I hope Bengt remember to buy me more Pokémon.

Joe Biden

Christmas is a special time and I hope to receive the traditional chocolate egg to eat after my Thanksgiving turkey. In honour of the birth of Krishna I might have poppadoms.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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