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And the Hitler of the Year winner is …


IT is taboo to notice things as they are. To – in the words of Roy Walker on Catchphrase – ‘say what you see’.  

Since reality is composed of elements unwilling to conform to the rainbow prejudices of the Regime, it is the senses by which reality is experienced which are now seen to be doubtful. You are told you are an idiot to believe the evidence of your own eyes. 

The very phrase ‘lived experience’ is composed to condescend to people who have witnessed the truth of social decay, crime, cultural strife and the discomfiting harangues of men in drag demanding to be taken extremely seriously. ‘Lived experience’ is never to be dismissed, of course, but it cannot hope to reflect the complex and multiple causes of obvious problem X. 

These complex and multiple causes are never explained or even named. It is enough for the wool-puller to hand you the balaclava of bunkum, that you might meekly apply it to yourself. The eyeholes to the back of the head, of course, lest any more of that ‘lived experience’ creeps in to poison your new perspective. What was once obvious is now obscured – by clever jargon. 

Ultracrepidarian scolds rule the Twitterverse, instant experts on any hot topic, swift and inflexible as the justice of Robespierre in dogpiling the unwary. There is only one crime, although it has many names. It is telling the truth. 

If you recognise basic facts about people and their habits, you may find them broadly correspondent to forbidden categories. This is because they do correspond.  

Recognising patterns (‘stereotypes’) in this manner is taboo. Why is this the case? To flatter a certain way of seeing the world, people are imagined as the dots in a pointillist picture – each identical in a sense, but unique, a universe unto themselves.  

If the world is shattered into these atoms, each with its own orbits, no general description can do justice to their irreducibly complex and ultimately ungraspable identity. It is our ‘reality’ that matters, not the one outside our heads. 

It is a symptom of internalised social collapse – a retreat into make-belief, which makes an enemy of the basic observation of reality. The retreat and the balaclava of wisdom are required to prevent you having to notice anything which might upset your delicate theories of how the world ought to be, rather than how it is. 

The sensible thing to do when confronted with unpleasant news is to ignore it. If you get good at this, you can develop a kind of armour – a thought-helmet – which runs on brainpower and keeps bad news out of your head, leaving you to get on with your happy thoughts in peace. 

Reality has been exceptionally off-message in these last few years – quite an achievement in itself, given its appalling track record. I think it is time for a customer services department for reality, so it can get the one-star review it richly deserves. Let’s cast an eye over its many violations of the terms of service. 

In no particular order, because it’s arguable there isn’t one any more, what has happened to ‘The Free World’? We don’t hear much about it any more, perhaps because it has not been feeling too clever.  

If you are clever, perhaps you have noticed that there isn’t much freedom in the World Formerly Known as Free. Speech – privacy, movement, who you have round your house, whether you would like these injections or to lose your job, your holidays … 

Miserable. A lot of this has obviously pinged off the thought helmet because it’s awful. What about the fact that you couldn’t go to the pub, but the foreign working class could rock up in Dover, before being carted off for a pizza and a room in a Holiday Inn? That is so wrong it has to be a racist lie. Doinggg! 

Of course, if you haven’t changed your avatar to something reflecting the Current Thing, you must support the Current Hitler.  

Hitler of the Year 2022 is, of course, that man in the Kremlin bunker, Putler. Under George Bush, the Hitler of the Year 1990 was Saddam. Later, according to Lindsey Hilsum, Gaddafi was Hitler of the Year 2011. John Kerry, among others, nominated Assad for Hitler of the Year in 2013. The Hitler of the Year 2016 was, according to Boris Johnson, The European Union, which was a bad year to pick, given the outstanding success of that year’s undisputed champion, His Imperial Majesty Dr Donald J Trump Ph.D

A step change came in 2017 when Thomas the Fascist Tank Engine came out of nowhere to grasp the crown. This new field saw a strong contender in PAW Patrol, and their ‘human slavedriver, Ryder’. In 2018, even Jeremy Corbyn had a turn. 

The US public broadcaster PBS, not to be outdone by a train with a face, upped the ante considerably with this 2021 Triple Hitler Bootmash, combining Matteo Salvini, Viktor Orban and Marine Le Pen. 

Too many Hitlers spoil the froth, so occasionally there are regional and not international Hitlers. 

Domestically, our Hitlers stand athwart the political spectrum like a menacing colossus. We are never short of contenders. David Lammy, mastermind and renaissance grifter, nominated Jacob Rees-Mogg as 2019 Hitler of the Year, only to resile his position because Hitler in his view had not been bad enough to merit the comparison. The entire Conservative Party has also been Hitler.  

The keen student of Current Hitlerism will not forget that our own Bordolf Hitlonson enjoyed a moment in the jackboots, robbing a gobsmacked Nigedolf Faritler of a title he must have considered his by right. David Starkey is a great Hitlerspotter, seeing Hitler in 2012 and 2015 in Alex Salmond and in Nicola Sturgeon respectively. 

As you can see, perhaps the only thing which can penetrate the thought helmet is a Hitler. The only thing that can stop him? Better change that avatar quick, lest you turn up in a moustache meme yourself.  

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Frank Wright
Frank Wright
Frank Wright is a writer from the North East of England. He lives in Hampshire with his wife and young family. Follow him on Substack at .

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