Andrew Cadman: Tone Deaf: Remoanalonga Blair

TCW Exclusive! Tony Blair is auditioning on the X Factor in a last desperate bid to stop Brexit, singing his own version of the Elvis Presley classic Return To Sender.

Tone said he was slightly worried about comparisons, but knew The King wouldn’t mind being eclipsed: ‘All stars fade eventually,’ he said with his usual modest smile. ‘I mean, just look at mine – as bright as a black hole these days.’

So without further ado, we give you: The Tone, The T, The One, The Only, His Grace, His Gracious, His Most Gracefully Gracious singing his surefire Number 1: Remoaner Loser!

------------------------------
So I gave my vote to the postman

He put it in his sack
And a few weeks la-ter
They got their country back.

They vot-ed Brexit.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No free movement,
No more C-A-P.

So we held a de-mon-stration
The country must change tack
But no matter how we stamp our feet
The answer keeps comin’ back!

They vot-ed Brexit.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No free movement,
No more C-A-P.

Oh how I yearn to be El Presidente
Was still in with a decent shout
But my plans are all shook up
‘Cos the people voted out

They vot-ed Brexit

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No more chances
It’s not your dest-in-ee!

So I spoke to the na-tion
I charmed and preened and smiled
But every time I finished speak-ing
The people were not beguiled

They vot-ed Brexit.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No more limelight,
No more gigs for thee.

So I drowned my sorrows in Rich-mond
Where all the bankers be
However will they cope now?
Without a Polish nann-ee

They vot-ed Brexit.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No free movement,
No more C-A-P.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Re-moan-er Loser!
Re-moan-er Loser!
(fade)

Andrew Cadman

  • Ravenscar

    Oh I think that Mr bliar will have been ecstatic yesterday, singing ♫ gotta get it on, Mrs May, my remoaner.♪

    Indeed those grey old far7s, druncker, barnier, mutti, bliar, straw, major, hezza, jezza, clarkey, mandelslime, and not least gemima guyana and branson, soros too will have been rejoicing for mrs may has transitioned us back into the clutches of the Berlin-UK establishment.

    Insofar as ‘Leave the EU’ is concerned, it’s game over and no singing rebel songs, as we are gagged [mrs may’s ‘speak no evil’ legislation] forced marched back into the Brussels Empire slaver.

    • Vera

      It will be interesting now to see whether Barnier just sneers, throws it back in our faces and demands more, or whether he will view this extra two years as a very worthwhile delay knowing they can continue obstructing until our politics changes, maybe a new PM and the whole thing can be kicked forevermore into the long grass leaving us IN but in a far worse position.

  • paul parmenter

    Oh, I don’t think Tone believes his star is as bright as a black hole. He is continuing to act as if he is some kind of avuncular elder statesman who commands respect whenever he opens his mouth, and a divided and confused nation is looking to him for guidance. He seems totally unaware of what people really think of him.

    • Derek Phibes

      “He seems totally unaware of what people really think of him.”

      He may deliberately give that impression,
      but he hangs onto his armed bodyguards,
      and keeps some distance from those suffering from his worst inflictions.

      • alecto

        His armed bodyguards who are paid for by US even though he could afford to pay for his own protection!

        • Derek Phibes

          Ah, but if he paid for his own then it is unlikely they would carry guns.

          See, Blair knows how he is changing Britain.

  • Colkitto03

    Good one Andrew
    I asked myself often why Blair is given prominence and airtime even though most of the public (left and right ) utterly despise him. What other person who is considered a war criminal by 25% of the population would be on TV so much?
    The reality is that the British media and political class are still Blairite.
    One of the key things that I have come to learn, after reading many of the other commenters on TCW is that the Conservative party is actually Blairite.
    Even a couple of years ago I would not have understood that. Like many on the right I had always considered the Conservatives as a right of centre party. Brexit and the rise of Corbyn has exposed a huge amount.

    Now I can see that our entire mainstream political establishment is all cut from the same cloth. Political integrity means nothing. Many in the Labour and Conservative parties could easily swap parties. They are the ‘management class’ now. We have Blair to thank for that.

    • sfin

      Indeed – it wasn’t just in ‘multiculturalism’ that Blair sought to utterly change this country.

      What makes him uniquely evil, in my eyes, was his, largely successful, attempt to make this country a single ideology nation (remember his ‘forces of conservatism’ speech) by politicising its institutions. The neutrality of areas like the judiciary and the civil service really were ‘the envy of the World’ (unlike the NHS!) and most developed nations have copied the model.

      Now we can read in the media the political preferences of Jeremy Heywood, the cabinet secretary, with regards to Brexit. The fact that the civil service made no contingency plans for a ‘Leave’ vote, should have resulted in his dismissal. But Jeremy Heywood has the ‘right sort of opinions’ of course;

      • Colkitto03

        You are absolutely spot on with all those points.

    • Vera

      Yes that explains why when this most despised PM finally left the building, Cameron stood and gave him an ovation. At the time I was startled, and put it down to his public school good manners but after what has happened since I agree with you. Basically Cameron and Osborne are Bliarites. And no that was not a typo.

      • Colkitto03

        very true.

    • alecto

      Absolutely correct today’s pseudo tories are indeed blairites even Cameron referred to him as the Master which creeps me out a bit I can tell you!

  • Steve

    Blair is nothing like a black hole.

    Black holes are highly attractive.

    • a misplaced modifier

      Nice! Have an uptick.

    • The_Mocking_Turtle

      Black holes aren’t visible. Sadly Tony Blair still is.

  • The_Mocking_Turtle

    Meanwhile, back in the real world, Britain’s credit rating has been downgraded yet again by Moody’s from Aa1 to Aa2 because of uncertainty relating to BREXIT. I remember when George Osborne used to say how awful it would be if the nation ever lost its AAA status.

    Ah, those were the days.

    https://www.theguardian.com/business/2017/sep/22/britains-credit-rating-downgraded-over-brexit-and-state-of-public-finances

    • Colkitto03

      Yes but lets keep things in perspective. Moody’s downgraded China from A1 to Aa3 in May.

      • Alan

        Didn’t Moody’s also rate all that toxic debt the banks invested in as AAA+? Strikes me that they’re not that good at their job.

        • Colkitto03

          Well said! people have very selective memories when they want to quote Moody’s

          • The_Mocking_Turtle

            Ah! But in fairness credit agencies like Moody’s were ignorant about the activities and inner dealings of international banks trading in derivatives and making bad loans to individuals and countries who could never pay them back.

            Things have changed since then.

            Hopefully.

        • The_Mocking_Turtle

          “Strikes me that they’re not that good at their job..”

          Nor was George Osborne as Chancellor IMHO. After all he was the one who claimed that the triple-A status was an essential “gold standard” as far as economies go and that losing it would disgrace any government under whose watch it happened.

          Of course George changed his tune when the inevitable occurred.

          That’s the best thing about being a politician: never having to say sorry.

          • Alan

            I wouldn’t put Osborne in charge of digging a ditch, so you won’t get any argument from me defending that arrogant, crawling incompetent.

          • The_Mocking_Turtle

            Personally I think that digging a ditch is exactly what Osborne IS fit for.

          • Alan

            lol. A hole maybe? In which he could be buried?

          • The_Mocking_Turtle

            Cremation preferably and not necessarily post mortem. No land in any cemetery would get wasted and there would be no chance of Gideon being resurrected by fellow necromancers using the black arts.

          • Alan

            Would it be less cruel to stuff Osborne than to crush him under the wheels of a lorry while Rowan Atkinson sings ‘I like trucking’?

            “We feel that we probably exhibited less cruelty to hedgehogs per se than whoever it is who goes around stuffing them.”

            Sorry, couldn’t help but remember NTNON’s wonderful hedgehog apology.

            Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘get stuffed’. Still, wouldn’t want a stuffed Osborne around; enough to give you nightmares.

      • The_Mocking_Turtle

        True. So far downgrading hasn’t meant much, However, if the manure hits the fan and the country has to start borrowing large sums on the wholesale money markets post-Brexit or during the next economic crash, which it would have to do since quantitative easing is no longer feasible, it will cost a fair bit more and add to the national debt substantially.

    • Vera

      To be our own country again, in charge of our law, our money, our borders, our politics is worth every penny and more. They say everyone has his price and we can see what yours is.

      • The_Mocking_Turtle

        That’s the spirit! Principle over prosperity – I like it!

        • alecto

          A rarity these days to be sure.

          • The_Mocking_Turtle

            It reminds me of the three hundred brave Spartans, making a stand and holding back the Persian hordes at Thermopylae. They all got killed of course but are still remembered, to this day, for sticking to their principles. Which is nice. Sadly none of the Brexiters are a patch on Leonidas though. Which is a pity although an inevitability.

    • Flaketime

      I wouldn’t believe what the Guardian prints on Brexit if I were you, they’re about as reliable for news as the BBC (The two are very close though!)

      The real reason is May’s economic incompetence and spineless clueless approach to Brexit, which she appears to think can be solved simply by throwing our money at it.

      I thought John Major was bad but May beats him by a country mile! As for the clutching at straws hope that May would take the heat for any Brexit screw up, the latest offer shows that the stupid woman honestly believes she can lead her party to victory next election.

      I think if you have any reasonable amount of money, now is the time to convert it into Swiss Francs.

      • The_Mocking_Turtle

        “I think if you have any reasonable amount of money, now is the time to convert it into Swiss Francs.”

        Or gold bullion, which you can purchase by post.

  • English Advocate

    Tony Blair is 100% loyal to the system. Cameron and Osborne used to refer to him as “the master”, I believe.

  • Tethys

    Stick to IT Andrew.

  • alecto

    And there was I thinking CW was more open minded than that! I could change my comment to political sex worker but it would wreck my comment.