TCW Exclusive! Tony Blair is auditioning on the X Factor in a last desperate bid to stop Brexit, singing his own version of the Elvis Presley classic Return To Sender.

Tone said he was slightly worried about comparisons, but knew The King wouldn’t mind being eclipsed: ‘All stars fade eventually,’ he said with his usual modest smile. ‘I mean, just look at mine – as bright as a black hole these days.’

So without further ado, we give you: The Tone, The T, The One, The Only, His Grace, His Gracious, His Most Gracefully Gracious singing his surefire Number 1: Remoaner Loser!

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So I gave my vote to the postman

He put it in his sack
And a few weeks la-ter
They got their country back.

They vot-ed Brexit.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No free movement,
No more C-A-P.

So we held a de-mon-stration
The country must change tack
But no matter how we stamp our feet
The answer keeps comin’ back!

They vot-ed Brexit.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No free movement,
No more C-A-P.

Oh how I yearn to be El Presidente
Was still in with a decent shout
But my plans are all shook up
‘Cos the people voted out

They vot-ed Brexit

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No more chances
It’s not your dest-in-ee!

So I spoke to the na-tion
I charmed and preened and smiled
But every time I finished speak-ing
The people were not beguiled

They vot-ed Brexit.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No more limelight,
No more gigs for thee.

So I drowned my sorrows in Rich-mond
Where all the bankers be
However will they cope now?
Without a Polish nann-ee

They vot-ed Brexit.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Why can’t you see?
No free movement,
No more C-A-P.

Re-moan-er Loser!
Re-moan-er Loser!
Re-moan-er Loser!
(fade)