Friday, June 14, 2024
HomeCulture WarAngela Rayner, the face of Sewage

Angela Rayner, the face of Sewage


WATER companies are under attack for the quality of drinking water and the number of sewage spills. In Brixham several people have recently been affected by an outbreak of cryptosporidium. There are continuing concerns about blue-green algae in Windermere. Thames Water is effectively bankrupt  and, last year, Severn Trent Water recorded 60,000 sewage incidents. Despite these problems water industry bosses are well rewarded. In 2023, Liv Garfield, chief executive of Severn Trent, was awarded £3.2million in pay, bonuses and shares, whilst over the past four years she has been paid nearly £13million. 

Meanwhile a report from the climate-obsessed National Infrastructure Commission (NIC) has warned that so-called smart water meters must be installed to regulate use and reduce demand.

In the light of these problems and the escalating climate crisis, the incoming Labour government is to put water and sewage high on its list of priorities, second only to deciding what constitutes a ‘woman’. 

Proposed actions include the establishment of five new Ministries: for Rain, Drought, Wind, Drizzle and Sewage. Sir Keir Starmer believes the issues to be so important that he plans to appoint his best brains to lead the new Ministries. Ed Miliband will supervise Rain, David Lammy will be the mastermind for Drought, Lisa Nandy will control Wind, Nadia Whittome will sprinkle her wisdom on Drizzle and Angela Rayner will be the face of Sewage.

Each Ministry will be staffed by thousands of diverse and inclusive civil servants most of whom will work from home. They will be tasked with reporting daily on the climate crisis and the impact it is having on their use of tap water and bowel habits. 

Labour also plans to set up a Sewage and Water Enforcement Agency headed by a Water and Sewage Czar, who will have sweeping powers to intervene to ensure that the various crises are dealt with in a robust manner.

Thousands of Water Marshals are to be appointed to work for the new Agency. These armed officials will have authority to enter properties, rip out baths and confiscate garden hoses and watering cans. They will monitor sheep farmers in the Lake District and elsewhere to ensure that every animal is fitted with a nappy. They will also ensure that every property installs smart poo meters to check the size, shape and regularity of faeces to ensure that the sewerage system is not put under excessive pressure in times of heavy rainfall.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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