Friday, April 19, 2024
HomeCOVID-19Another busy day at Certiload Unlimited

Another busy day at Certiload Unlimited


‘AH, Jeremy, welcome to Certiload! As you know, we now subcontract exclusively for the Ministry of Licences and Certification. On behalf of my colleagues I wish to thank you for agreeing to be educated about what goes on here in a typical day. The article you write for the Guardian-Bugle should do a lot to refute allegations being spread over the internet that we have 6,000 employees doing nothing but waste taxpayers’ money.’

‘I’ve noticed that almost every room seems half full and everyone seems quite busy.’

‘That is correct, Jeremy. Although half our employees are either home-working or self-isolating having been in Zoom-contact or even face-to-face exposure to members of the public who may have tested positive for Covid-19, at this very moment there are meetings going on at every level aggressively confronting the backlog of 55,000 licences.’

‘My readers will be delighted to hear it. How long will they go on?’

‘How long will what go on, Jeremy?’

‘The meetings.’

‘You understand this is a very important issue we’re confronting at present. Public perception of our work is at an all-time low. Naturally most of the meetings at every level of seniority will continue all day apart from the usual lunch hour-or-so breaks to redress this perception, and many will continue into overtime.’

‘I see. Good. Meanwhile, presumably the business of issuing the licences will continue?’

‘At emergency rate, we can assure you. We have a hundred clerks on minimum wage assigned and ready to do the actual making and issuing of the licences.’

‘Well, good . . . but why is the end product, the actual certificates, left to the lowest paid?’

‘We are serious about saving taxpayers’ money, my dear fellow, and of course Diversity! When lower middle management were still getting their hands dirty doing some of the actual Licence Issuing work, it was found that almost all were women. Our equality department recognised that doing work that could easily be left to low-grade males was an affront to all women, so these positions were transferred to Junior Executive level and new clerks were brought in to do the menial work. Previously we had some women working in the mail room actually having to place envelopes on the conveyor belts by hand!’

‘Right. So these men you now employ . . .’

‘Are being sorted into categories by medium seniority supervisory staff. To prevent discrimination, any workers who can’t read or write English are transferred to the next level up in order to prevent errors. Errors of Role-Allocation, you know. Men whose IQ is below 60 are assigned to government-liaison positions. Other non-white employees are being promoted into management in order to ensure they are not subject to demeaning requests by white males.’

‘So it’s the white males who actually do the certificate making and issuing?’

‘Theoretically, yes.’


‘Our Gender-Right-Sizing-and-Distribution Transparency Department is still working on deciding the correct proportion of transgender personnel to be recruited. There would appear to be a temporary Pool Availability shortage. They are currently in the third day of their meeting about Meeting Targets, having Attitude-Inspected all Certiload’s white males’ opinions about Privilege Equalisation. So of course there aren’t any white males working any more except at Upper Seniority Levels – people like me, Jeremy, who are indispensable to our ministry contacts so cannot be made redundant.’

‘Quite so. So who is actually . . ?’

‘Ah! It’s eleven o’clock! Time for lunch. How about joining us in our club-room, and a few of us can help you prepare an objective, fact-based article.’

‘Well, that’s very kind. But could I just ask you one question before we go: How many new requests for certificates are arriving each day?’

‘That end of things is handled by our statistics and information department, but I can assure you we have some 1,300 management personnel working to classify every request that comes in, though they are currently on strike due to having been demeaned by their status as Lower Management and are insisting on a two-level seniority elevation before they can resume work.’

‘So how many f . . . confounded licences were actually issued yesterday??’

‘Now Jeremy, I know you are a good, objective reporter. We’re old friends, so let’s not spoil our appetites with sordid details! Ah, here’s Ms B’stra who heads the Anti-Racism department. She and the other women on her committee are coming out of their conference right now. She’ll join us for lunch and will give you all the details you need for your report about how well our multi-faith targets are being implemented. We’re relying on you to write a glowing report because Certiload is in line for the Vaccine Passport contract.’

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The Freeshooter
The Freeshooter
The Freeshooter is retired, writes novels and listens to Germanic opera.

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