Tuesday, May 21, 2024
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As the heavens open and eco-nuts spout hot air, bet you want that tumble dryer now


SO how is that drying all of your clothes outside on the washing line going? Perfect drying weather here in the South East, I’m sure you will agree. It’s been very windy, and if you ignore the monsoon rain conditions, I’m sure those towels are bone dry.  

I only ask because you will doubtless remember how all the experts and media were advising you how you could avoid skyrocketing energy bills if you just threw out your tumble dryer.  

As many readers will know, I value my tumble dryer most above all labour-saving modern devices. It is the king of white goods. The only way you will get my tumble dryer is if you pry it from my cold, dead hands.  

Anyway, all those lifestyle pieces that said, ‘Don’t sweat it folks with your energy bills, just ditch the tumble dyer and air-dry the clothes’, are now strangely quiet. Why, I haven’t read such expert advice since the clocks went back and the storms came in.  

You may ask, what is this woman talking about? Why is she yacking on about the tumble dryer again? But what you must understand, dear reader (whether you do the laundry or not) is that the tumble dryer is not just a magnificent machine that saves you time and labour and turns your towels into delightful, fluffy, luxurious pieces of cloth with which to dry yourself with.  

No, the tumble dryer is a symbol. The tumble dryer stands proudly (whether in your kitchen, garage, outhouse or in-house) as a symbol of progress, capitalism, invention, independence and nay, liberty itself.  

No longer do we have washerwomen, Mrs Tiggy-Winkle, or devote an entire day to laundry (usually Mondays). The tumble dryer stands for our way of life and that is why the elite want it.  

This is why at the climate conference right now they are plotting ways to steal your tumble dryer, and after that your car, boiler, and quarter-pounder. As I have said before, it is a strange coincidence that everything the climate nuts wanted us to do we now will have to do because of the ‘cost of living’ crisis. Sheer coincidence, I think you will agree. 

In reality, the current weather, the British climate that we know and love, means you haven’t been line-drying your clothes. They will have known that when they wrote those lifestyle articles.  

Instead, you have had stuff strung up all around the house, which, as I said at the time, is a major health hazard. Don’t just believe me – why, the geniuses at SAGE (you remember the folks at SAGE, right? Those who are greatly responsible for our current crisis by calling for repeated lockdowns) have pointed out that some measures people will take to reduce their bills will harm their health. Who knew?!  

Just who knew that closing all your doors and windows for the next nine months and turning off the heat, and letting your clothes dry in your bedroom might compromise your health? ‘Cost-saving energy hacks may be putting our health at risk, an expert has warned. A lack of ventilation also drives up the chance of spreading illnesses, such as Covid and flu, and raises the risk of damp and mould, which can trigger respiratory infection.’ I fear the damp and mould a lot more than the Covid/flu. 

Thank goodness for the ‘experts’, that’s all I’ll say. But don’t worry. Rishi Sunak has a plan. He’s the sensible one – the one who is ‘sound on the money.’ He has just made yet another spending pledge, promising that ‘the UK will stick to its goal of providing £11.6billion in climate funding – and it will triple its funding on adaptation to £1.5billion by 2025’. 

Meanwhile, you are inhaling mould and freezing to death as you can’t dry your clothes with a tumble dryer. You would be forgiven for thinking that the ruling class actually hate you and want you to die a premature death, perhaps under a pile of your husband’s damp undies. I for one would certainly forgive you for thinking that.  

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