Saturday, April 10, 2021
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Been there, Harry, done that

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Our man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton, the raffish, six-times-married, long-serving Member of Parliament, has issued a statement.

IN VIEW of Prince Harry’s recent appointment as Chief Impact Officer at BetterUp Inc I have decided to make a statement concerning my previous role at a similarly named but unconnected charity ButtermeUp Inc where I too occupied the position of Chief Impact Officer.

As a result of my recent appointment to an important role in the Transport Ministry it has been incumbent on me to relinquish my unpaid role at ButtermeUp Inc, the philanthropic organisation headquartered in the Cayman Islands. 

The founder of ButtermeUp, André de Greffe, contacted me some time ago with a view to my representing the organisation in the UK. From our first meeting, he recognised me as someone of the highest integrity, dedicated to the public good; a man of honour with a lifetime of service devoted to the betterment of his fellow man.

During my brief time as Chief Impact Officer it was beholden upon me to ensure that the clients of ButtermeUp had access to those in Government and the Civil Service who needed help to ensure the best use of public money.

Although I hesitate to blow my own trumpet, I believe I achieved a great deal during my time in that role. For example, the outstanding success of the £37billion wisely allocated to the successful Test and Trace system might not have occurred without ButtermeUp’s judicious intervention and advice.

Nor would it be the case that HS2, that remarkable scheme to transport passengers from Crewe to London by 2035 (ish) with a time saving of up to 12 minutes, would have made so much progress for a mere £40billion. I have been told that very soon agreement will have been reached on the design of seat coverings, and of the clocks in the new stations.

Suffice to say that, were it not for my best endeavours, the British public would be walking around with oily rags held over their faces. The charity sourced various middlemen of Far Eastern origin to supply the masks, which although entirely medically ineffective, give the wearer an ill-founded sense of wellbeing and moral superiority. It is true that because of the urgency of the situation, these masks were purchased at exorbitant cost with the help of several individuals linked to organised crime, but that cannot lesson the validity of ButtermeUp’s achievements.

Finally, it is with some pride that thanks to my contacts, ButtermeUp was able to help its Chinese clients persuade the powers that be to provide additional government financial guarantees to continue the construction of the Hinkley Point C power station. This was despite the fact the technology is unproven and the French designers are not sure it will ever produce electricity.

Although my role as Chief Impact Officer was pro bono, I am obliged to declare that my dear wife, Lady Veronica, is entitled to significant share options on ButtermeUp Corp in the unlikely event that it is floated on the NYSE.

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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