Saturday, April 13, 2024
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Betray as you earn


Have you any Left-wing friends who could use some extra moolah?

Does this cake-loving country make them cringe? Are they shamed by this Septic Isle? Do they want revenge on the Loathsome Leavers?

Well, here’s an offer to cheer them up.

The Kremlin, wants to help you turn your resentment into roubles.

All you have to do is collaborate with a brutal, oppressive and undemocratic regime.

The system is run by unelected corruptocrats acting on behalf of faceless shady businessmen. Fans of Jean-Claude Juncker will recognise the model.

But most Russians could drink Jean-Claude Juncker under the table. Mind you, Jean-Claude Juncker could drink Jean-Claude Juncker under the table – and often does. Usually by lunchtime.

Your Russian paymaster will drink heavily and still make sure you get your money, whereas most days ‘our’ President looks like he’s been poured into his chair and someone forgot to say ‘When’. It’s like Mr Loose Clause Juncker looked at the directive on sobriety and decided it didn’t apply to him.

But, as the popular song had it, Stalin Wasn’t Stallin’.

Your Russian handler will process your payments with complete efficiency. Just as long as you keep undermining your own nation. Which will come as second nature to many moaning mandarins.

(To be described as a civil servant must cause an awful lot of resentment. That’s two wicked lies in one job title!)

Now the rubber stampers, hearse whisperers and the diplomats can find cash in the attache.

Obviously, it’s open solely to the elite. Don’t bother applying if you’re an admin officer processing asylum claims at Lunar House.

Only those from the most privileged backgrounds may apply. For some reason, these are the people who always resent their lot in life the most.

If you’re a BBC executive looking to fund your next outfit for the BAFTAs, this could be the ideal opportunity for Putin on the Ritz.

Is it safe?

Almost certainly. The money will be untraceable, so nobody at HMRC will get on your case.

The usual Left-wing terms, conditions and double standards will apply of course.

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Nick Booth
Nick Booth
Nick Booth is a freelance writer.

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