Tuesday, April 16, 2024
HomeNewsBlow your own trumpet in a full body mask

Blow your own trumpet in a full body mask


This is a message from Musicscam about musicians’ protective face and body masks:

AS WE at Musicscam & Co know that one of your authors, Dr Frank Palmer, is a keen amateur musician, we contacted him and offered him a modest remuneration to draw attention to our new safety face and body masks for musical performance.

Although we regard TCW as an irresponsible, dissident site for disseminating ignorant and dangerous views that may kill people, we are nevertheless grateful for this opportunity to restore the balance by touching base and outlining the life-saving benefits of our products.

We note that last year your government advised professional musicians and others in the performing arts to retrain for alternative careers. While it was gratifying to hear that a number have been redeployed usefully as sanitary engineers, road sweepers, delivery drivers and so on (not to mention players of the trombone, tuba and French horn utilising their knowledge of metal piping to retrain as plumbers), we recognise that this has been a loss to the musical world.

We are an ethical, proactive company, and as an act of philanthropy and after considerable research we have designed the ‘Play-Mask’, available at a reasonable price, for wind instrument players.

Here it is demonstrated in use by Dr Palmer.

Our newest product, of which we are immensely proud, is the Chrysalis, a face and whole body playing mask, made of our exclusive ultra-stretch latex-based material (which we have patented). This will enable all woodwind and brass players to enclose the face, body and the whole instrument and even perform the sliding movement of a trombone. To avoid giving the appearance of Houdini trying to escape from a sack, the Chrysalis is transparent, so players are advised that while full dress may be rather hot, they should keep their underwear on.

Any muffling of sound is compensated by an internal microphone. This will also double as an oxygen supplier in case of asphyxiation. The price of the standard playing mask is £675 and the whole face and body mask, the Chrysalis, is £2,487 (with a 10 per cent discount for larger orders).

We know that there are some ridiculous so-called ‘scientific’ studies which have allegedly cast doubt on the medical efficacy of masks but their opinions are totally irresponsible. Despite their titles and the letters after their names those who cling blindly to that myth are, as your government knows, mere outliers, if not outright liars, and as a result people may die.

Our dedicated team are scientists. They all got an ology in their school exams, they wear white coats, and they are of the highest calliper. Our customer relations team would be glad to supply any of your readers with our catalogues. We recommend in particular the Chrysalis as being essential not only for players but for many if not all domestic uses, including taking a bath or shower (you never know what germ-laden water might be coming from taps), for cooking meals or lying in bed with a partner. The Chrysalis incorporates a flap for inserting our special curved sanitary toothbrush.

Final note to customers: All of our products have been thoroughly tested under laboratory conditions. Masks and body sheaths used by volunteers who suffocated during trials have been incinerated (along with the corpses). 

Disclaimer: It is up to customers to use these products safely and wisely and we are indemnified against any claims against us.

If you appreciated this article, perhaps you might consider making a donation to The Conservative Woman. Unlike most other websites, we receive no independent funding. Our editors are unpaid and work entirely voluntarily as do the majority of our contributors but there are inevitable costs associated with running a website. We depend on our readers to help us, either with regular or one-off payments. You can donate here. Thank you.
If you have not already signed up to a daily email alert of new articles please do so. It is here and free! Thank you.

Frank Palmer
Frank Palmer
Dr Frank Palmer is a philosopher and author. He was taught by Roger Scruton who was his PhD supervisor and during the 1980s was part of a thinktank of academics Roger formed to fight damaging trends in education. Frank’s last book was Literature and Moral Understanding (Oxford University Press).

Sign up for TCW Daily

Each morning we send The ConWom Daily with links to our latest news. This is a free service and we will never share your details.