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Monday, July 15, 2024
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HomeNewsBoJo Academy – Mr Sunak explains his early exit

BoJo Academy – Mr Sunak explains his early exit

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COMMEMORATIONS and remembrance have long been cornerstones of life at the BoJo Academy. Be it sporting achievements or more evocative events, the sacrifices made by boys past and present are never forgotten.

Since taking over as Headmaster, Mr Sunak has continually emphasised the huge significance and value he places on service, duty and commitment. That is why he arranged a Memorial Service in Founders’ Hall to honour the ultimate sacrifice paid by boys from the BoJo Academy 80 years ago last week.

Underscoring the magnitude of debt owed to these illustrious fallen old boys, Mr Sunak invited a number of distinguished guests from like-minded educational establishments around the world to help honour those heroes.

Mr Biden from Ben & Jerry’s Aged Democrats High School in Pennsylvania was joined by Monsieur Macron, Principal of Le Drapeau Blanc École in Paris, as well as Herr Scholz, the popular Headmaster of the Berlin Lutheran Gymnasium.

With such illustrious guests, the sombre nature of the occasion was unmistakable. Mr Sunak moved attendees to tears with his opening words:

‘Never, in the field of human conflict, has so much been owed by so many to so few. I cannot begin to articulate in mere words quite what an enormous debt we owe to those brave old boys who gave what was their today for our tomorrow. We will never forget them.’

The school bugler, Shapps Jr, then proceeded to the stage to play The Last Post. Parents, Staff, pupils and invited guests stood in silence for one minute, until the chapel bell symbolically rang out. It was then that the solemn air was lifted by Shapps Jr once more centre stage playing Reveille. As the last notes drifted across the air, and Mr Biden, eyes closed, was lost in deep contemplation, the Headmaster was spotted sprinting across the playing fields and entering Headmaster’s Lodge via the back door.

Several parents were upset that Mr Sunak felt it appropriate to excuse himself so prematurely from such a historic gathering, more so when Mr Cameron, or Lord Snooty as some call him, the visiting Regius Professor, rather ostentatiously started shaking hands with guests and staff.

As always, there is a completely understandable reason behind what seemed like an almighty and ludicrous blunder. Mr Sunak explains:

‘I was saddened to learn that certain individuals took my early departure from our Remembrance Ceremony as some type of snub. I can assure everyone that nothing could be further from the truth.

 Unfortunately, that very morning Mrs Headmaster alerted me to the fact that our dishwasher’s rinse aid warning light had illuminated, and I was tasked with topping it up before she came home. With hindsight, perhaps I could have attended to this matter at a later hour, and I apologise unreservedly for any offence given. I hope this apology will suffice and would now like to draw a line under this matter and move on.’

Thank you, Headmaster!

Word reaches us that maverick teaching assistant Mr Farage has been making unwelcome waves recently. Having failed to make the grade as a proper teacher on many occasions, he has seen fit to foment discord and disharmony with a very small number of disaffected parents who have felt uncomfortable with the Academy’s curriculum.

We would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that Ofsted will shortly be undertaking an inspection of the school, and it is in everyone’s best interests that we retain the status quo – Nota bene, Ms Mordaunt!

Finally, what a pity to learn that Mr Fry has been recorded making some unsavoury remarks about the Academy’s Old Boys XI cricket team. For younger boys who might not recognise his name, Stephen was a celebrated polymath many years ago who holds the distinction of having won the Smuggest Boy Of The Year award for an unsurpassed eight years.

Quite what possessed him to launch such a vituperative and unwarranted verbal assault is anyone’s guess. Charitably, we can only assume that old age and its many attendant mental health problems have unfortunately caught up with him.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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