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Sunday, April 14, 2024
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HomeNewsBoJo Academy news – a £10m misunderstanding

BoJo Academy news – a £10m misunderstanding

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WHAT a pity that the BoJo Academy’s evident successes seem to be overshadowed by ill-informed gossip and misunderstandings. A perfect example of this recently has been some muck-raking concerning one of our more generous benefactors.

Mr Starmer, the rather lacklustre Principal of Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive, has taken it upon himself to be judge and jury in an affair that really is of scant importance, and more pertinently none of his business.

Mr Frank Hester, or ‘Moneybags’ as the Bursar jokingly calls him, made a welcome £10million donation which enabled the construction of the school’s gender-neutral lavatories. On top of this he kindly placed his helicopter at the headmaster’s disposal when the school’s electric bus caught fire in its garage recently (please note Mr Sunak offset this usage by planting some attractive Japanese knotweed and giant hogweed behind the bicycle sheds).

It was not however Mr Hester’s largesse that caused disquiet, rather a light-hearted aside he made ‘off the cuff’ many years ago. Talking about the failing mathematics department at Rayner’s Lane, Mr Hester joked that Ms Abbott, their renowned statistician, should be shot.

This was clearly a joke, albeit in questionable taste, and in no way was it meant to be taken literally. He has rightly apologised for this regrettable lapse and we would like to think that this will be the end of the matter.

All the world’s a stage . . .

The amateur dramatic society staged a historic first last week by hosting a ‘Black out’ evening for which tickets were issued exclusively to an ‘all-black identifying’ audience.

The production of Slave Play, set on an old plantation, is controversial and challenging, but being free from ‘white gaze’ made it immediately more accessible.

Such was the night’s success that similar events are planned, and we hear that rehearsals are already under way for a ‘White out’ performance of that foot-tapping family favourite, The Al Jolson Story – break a leg, as they say!

Not welcome here

Mr Gove, fresh from levelling the playing fields, has been industriously working behind the scenes reviewing several of the Academy’s Societies. Some, such as the Oswald Mosley Appreciation Society, seem old-fashioned, divisive and no longer relevant. To help pupils further, and to avoid them inadvertently getting into trouble, he has helpfully posted a list of school clubs which are no longer acceptable. This list is located outside the well-attended multi-faith prayer room (sponsored by CAGE) and will be revised regularly. Suggestions for inclusion and exclusion will be reviewed on a case-by-case basis.

STOP PRESS: Mr Gove has just been in contact to inform us that CAGE will no longer be involved. Any parties interested in taking up this high-profile sponsorship opportunity should contact the headmaster.

Goodbye Mr Anderson

It is with somewhat mixed feelings that the Academy has bade farewell to Mr Anderson, who recently was in charge of the Common Sense module for the Lower Sixth. Something of a maverick, yet popular with parents, his propensity for inflammatory comments proved to be his undoing. For reasons best known to himself, he launched a totally uncalled-for criticism of our town’s much-loved mayor, Mr Khan. Headmaster Mr Sunak quite rightly decided enough was enough and after lengthy deliberations chose to let Mr Anderson go.

We wish him well in his new billet at the Reform School in Farage Lane.

A mystery

There is still no plausible explanation for numerous boys using their lunch breaks to parade around the school brandishing homemade placards emblazoned with the words FREE PLASTICINE.

The Arts and Craft team stopped using this modelling clay some four years ago after a particularly concerning episode which could have had tragic consequences. As a joke, several pupils from the Fourth Form fashioned plasticine into what looked like sausages.

Using the school’s single printing press, they then fashioned some cellophane wrapping carrying the words Boris’s Premium Porkies above a picture of the old headmaster.

Carefully wrapped, the sausages were clandestinely distributed to local food banks. Fortunately, a sharp-eyed volunteer noticed that these products were, not unlike Mr Johnson, totally bogus.

We would like to take this opportunity to wish parents and pupils a ‘Happy Easter’.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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