THE Academy has been a veritable hive of activity during the last month with ups and downs, the arrival of some unwelcome overseas visitors and a thrilling sporting victory.
Firstly, a rather delicate matter has arisen that we take no pleasure in addressing. However, we were recently alerted to some uninvited guests via the good offices of Matron, who had seen several pupils returning from a trip to London with small red marks or bites on various parts of their bodies.
Undertaking some commendable independent detective work, Matron was soon able to identify the source of this unpleasant and worrying outbreak, helpfully confirmed by Mr Khan – head of pupil welfare at neighbouring Rayner’s Lane comprehensive – as bed bugs.
The BoJo Academy is rightly proud of its vigorous and well-established hygiene protocols, designed to ensure pupil safety and cleanliness.
Unfortunately, it would appear that one of the dormitories, under the aegis of French teacher and Housemaster Monsieur Macron, had taken a rather lax approach to housework, resulting in an uncontrollable infestation.
Pupils might have noticed a sizeable pyre on the disused cricket pitch where infected bedding material had to be disposed of. We hope that this conflagration will mark the end of this problem once and for all. M Macron has apologised unreservedly to the Headmaster and has voluntarily undertaken a ‘refresher’ course in spring cleaning. Merci a tous!
Detention has always been part and parcel of daily life at the school, and many boys who have transgressed swiftly found themselves detained in one of the Academy’s purpose-built detention blocks.
Owing to a recent and overwhelming surge in bad behaviour, however, there is currently no room to accommodate miscreants, and we have requested that teachers should, for the time being, desist from issuing detention slips – which have far too often been thrown around like confetti.
Any boy found breaking school rules will be directed, in the first instance, to Ms Braverman, who has devised several fiendish and unpleasant punishments, such as dusting the chapel pews or dead-heading the roses. You have been warned!
Eat your greens
Some parents have been in contact regarding catering matters, many upset at the rumour that the dining room has been serving unwholesome fare which would come under the umbrella of Ultra Processed Foods.
We would like to take this opportunity to reassure parents, pupils and teachers that we operate a zero-tolerance attitude towards unhealthy dishes. We focus on a nutritionally balanced diet which provides all the necessary daily proteins, vitamins and minerals for growing children.
Reflecting this emphasis, hungry scholars have been wolfing down hearty dishes such cauliflower cheese which Cook assures us contains only natural ingredients such as cauliflower, cheese, flavour enhancers, colours, emulsifiers, emulsifying salts, sweeteners, thickeners, and anti-foaming, bulking, carbonating, foaming, gelling and glazing agents. Mmmm, tasty!
The 20mph zone which has been introduced to the gravel driveway leading to the main building has been a huge success. Parents dropping their progeny off have been quick to credit the school’s initiative in improving safety whilst saving the planet. Well done Mr Shapps for (literally!) driving through this policy.
Consternation greeted the news that the previously lacklustre BoJo First XV rugby team have progressed to the semi-final of the World Schools’ Rugby Cup taking place in France. It was widely thought that new sports teacher Mr Borthwick had made a ‘dog’s dinner’ of preparing the team for this keenly contested contest. Phrases such as ‘you’re all useless’ and ‘losers one and all’ which were bandied around during training sessions have proved to be wide of the mark. We now recognise that Mr Borthwick is a master tactician and his charges are heroes one and all. If they progress to the final, Mr Headmaster and his glamorous wife will be attending. Bonne chance!
Bone by name
Finally, Mr Bone, who has been head of dinosaur studies for more years than the school can remember, has agreed to take a short break. After recently attending an anger management tutorial organised by ex-teacher Mr Raab, he unfortunately failed to grasp the elementary principles that form the core of this exciting module.