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Tuesday, April 23, 2024
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HomeCulture WarBoJo Academy news: The barge billet and Drag Queen Hour

BoJo Academy news: The barge billet and Drag Queen Hour

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ADMIRED the world over, the BoJo Academy epitomises the very best that a school can offer. Providing excellence in education, and in no small measure entertainment, it is an institution that has had, like all temples of learning, to adapt to demanding and changing circumstances. Resignations, in-house rivalry, scandals, financial problems, climate change and modern etiquette – not least the thorny issue of gender identity – have all raised their head over the last year. TCWDF presents a selection from the school archives, chronicling a few hectic terms. This article was first published on April 17, 2023.

AT THE recent BoJo Academy PTA meeting held in Founders’ Hall, the Headmaster gave an uncompromising and hard-hitting talk.

Addressing the perennial problem of unwarranted incursions on to the school’s playing fields by pupils living outside the borough, Mr Sunak has adopted what he calls a ‘zero tolerance’ approach. Reminding attendees of both his predecessors’ laissez faire approach to the dilemma, he emphasised that ‘enough is enough’.

‘The time has come for decisive action,’ he declared to an appreciative audience.

There was enthusiastic support for a bold initiative to house these miscreants temporarily in Ol’ Ted, the disused school barge moored on the ornamental lake which has, in the past, played a largely ceremonial role. Older pupils will remember it fondly in drama society productions such as The Perfect Storm and, more recently, Titanic.

Converted in record time by the skills of the metalwork and carpentry faculties, Ol’ Ted will be a dismal and foreboding billet. With five-star catering, en-suite bedrooms, a sauna, gymnasium, snooker hall, cinema and doctor on call, detainees will be left in no doubt as to how serious the School is about eradicating this problem.

What a drag

Fun and laughter were the order of the day at the Junior School’s inaugural ‘Drag Queen Hour’.

Organised by the School’s gender recognition society, younger boys and teaching staff were entranced by a thrilling mix of theatre, dance and mime. The final routine was an audacious take on Mary Poppins, showcasing extravagant costumes fashioned from latex or rubber with prominent zips, whilst good use was made of props including handcuffs, feather dusters, gimp masks and truncheons.

It was agreed afterwards that it had been a resounding success, illustrating perfectly what an inclusive educational establishment the BoJo Academy is. The Headmaster comments: ‘I was proud to attend Drag Queen Hour and be in the vanguard of educational institutions challenging the prevailing unacceptable heteronormative culture.’

Well said, Mr Sunak! Parents might like to make a note in their diaries of the next performance entitled Berlin Lights & Shady Nights, which the promoters assure us is a performance suitable for all ages – so bring the toddlers along to enjoy the show!

The long arm of the law

It was with a sense of great sadness that we learnt of the problems that have befallen the recently retired Headmistress of St Krankie’s. Nicola was a much admired and highly capable individual who led St Krankie’s for many years. She and her husband Peter epitomised the dream educational team. Peter, a regular and committed volunteer – always eager and more than happy to give his spare time to handle the school’s accounts – has regrettably become embroiled in a police investigation into a series of alleged financial irregularities.

We are sure that this is all a ‘storm in a teacup’ and that common sense will prevail; failing that, a plausible explanation will emerge as to what has gone on behind the scenes. Nothing of substance should be read into the erection of forensic tents in both the front and back gardens of the marital abode, confiscation of computers and a campervan, and removal of paper records. All this seems to most impartial observers to be nothing more than a fishing expedition by the authorities. We wish Peter and Nicola all the best and a happy outcome.

Cheats beware

The teaching staff and Board of Governors have been made aware of something called ‘ChatGPT’. Parents may not yet fully understand what this development is and what it means for their children.

In short, it is an ‘artificial intelligence’ (or AI) ‘chatbot’ which has many functions and capabilities, not least being able to churn out essays and answers to a number of academic queries. This marvel of the internet offers a number of shortcuts to lazy students who are looking for an easy way out of homework. We would ask that all parents familiarise themselves with the inherent dangers this poses and take appropriate measure to curtail its use.

Mr Shapps’s rather uncalled-for comment after assembly, where he made a somewhat laboured attempt to link Mr Sunak, Ms May and Mr Johnson and artificial intelligence fell flat – no more jokes in this vein, please.

Ha, ha, ha!

Thanks to Mr Starmer of Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive for supplying the following witticism.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

A Woman.

A Woman who?

99.9 per cent but with an appendage!

Perhaps it is funnier when said rather than in print.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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