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BoJo Academy News: The Chocolate Framework

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ADMIRED the world over, the BoJo Academy epitomises the very best that a school can offer. Providing excellence in education, and in no small measure entertainment, it is an institution that has had, like all temples of learning, to adapt to demanding and changing circumstances. Resignations, in-house rivalry, scandals, financial problems, climate change and modern etiquette – not least the thorny issue of gender identity – have all raised their head over the last year. TCWDF presents a selection from the school archives, chronicling a few hectic terms. This article was first published on March 7, 2023.

THERE has recently been a degree of worry in some quarters regarding the supply of confectionery to the tuck shop. Since withdrawing from the European Schools Alliance, the Academy has still relied on chocolate and sweets being sent via the Berlin-based Schokolade Lieferung GmbH. This agreement has become strained due to unnecessary queries over taxes, in turn leading to concerns about future deliveries.

Thankfully the Headmaster was able to conjure up an understanding when he met representatives from all parties in Windsor last week. At assembly, he triumphantly acclaimed the ‘Windsor Framework’ as an example of how being an independent school can literally ‘deliver the goods’.

Sweets and chocolates, solely for consumption within the Academy, will be earmarked ‘green lane’, while out-of-date confectionery, which we used to give to the local food bank, must now be labelled ‘red lane’. A simple and straightforward 100-page declaration form needs to be completed to accompany the latter.

Boys found referring to this historic accord as ‘The Grand Fudge Protocol’ will smartly find themselves in detention.

Gray by name

Parents and pupils alike will be saddened to learn that the Head of Ethics has felt it necessary to tender her resignation. Ms Gray was a popular figure, always elegantly attired and with a ready smile for all. She epitomised the spirit of a modern conscientious teacher. For reasons known to herself she has decided that her talents will be best utilised at Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive.

Mr Johnson, our former Headmaster who knows Ms Gray well, comments: ‘Good riddance, I always felt that she was something of a snake in the grass and not a team player. Schoolmarmy and bossy – if Machiavelli were made flesh, he . . .’  Unfortunately, owing to editorial constraints, we have had to cut short this tribute.

St Krankie’s

Our partner school north of the border is currently recruiting, following the surprise resignation of long-serving Headmistress Nicola Sturgeon. Nick, as they liked to be called, was an acknowledged expert in the field of biology and their embrace of modern theories was well known. They will be sorely missed but their flair and genius will no doubt be snapped up quickly by another school.

The multi-talented Mr Yousaf, who is currently in charge of well-being at the school, is a front runner to replace Ms Sturgeon, whilst Kate Forbes, head of Divinity Studies, has almost certainly ruled herself out of the race because of her frankly outlandish and eccentric beliefs.

Library News

The recent extension to the library known colloquially as the Lads’ Shed was enabled by a generous donation from popular old boy Andrew Tate, who is currently a guest of the Romanian government.

Tomes such as Phwoar! – a history of Page 3 Girls, Roar! – a history of Formula 1 cars, Sore! – a history of pranks gone wrong, alongside SAS stories, bushcraft and survival skills books, and titles such as Man Up, You Wimp! and Why Women Make Good Cooks, ensured a regular stream of borrowers.

Recently, however, an unattractive undercurrent of ‘toxic masculinity’ has been detected and it was felt necessary to address this with a root-and-branch review of the reading material on offer. The Assistant Librarian Mr Shapps undertook this task.

Going forward, Hemingway’s popular classic Death in the Afternoon now comes with a trigger warning due to its upsetting theme. Melville’s Moby-Dick can no longer be considered suitable owing to its phallic-centric title; a re-edited version is now available entitled Moby-Dickless.

Greene’s Our Man in Havana has been excluded for obvious reasons. Steinbeck’s Of Mice & Men is judged to be unsuitable for all pupils. The much-borrowed Man of La Mancha DVD with Sophia Loren and Peter O’Toole has been de-listed.

Happily, however, David Walliams’s classic, The Boy in the Dress, will still be available as Mr Shapps feels this captures the Academy’s zeitgeist. This ‘thinning out’ should result in a less testosterone-fuelled environment.

Lost and Found

There have been no sightings of the geography department’s weather balloon which slipped its moorings a few weeks ago. This is a great pity as it was a gift from the Ming Academy of Beijing and was equipped with some highly sophisticated meteorological paraphernalia. If seen, please contact the Headmaster’s office.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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