JUST lately, every month seems to be nominated for some cause or other, from Veganuary (giving up meat) through to Movember (growing a moustache).
Yesterday it was revealed that the Government will be getting in on the act, as Boris Johnson announced a series of month-by-month special events to mark Britain’s exit from the EU.
This is the schedule:
February 2020 – Gove Tuesday. On February 25, the day before Lent begins, Michael Gove will bake Brexit pancakes on the terrace of the Houses of Parliament, using only British-sourced flour and milk, plus eggs from certified chlorine-free UK chickens. MPs will then be given the pancakes in frying pans to see who is the best tosser.
March – Brexit Big Brother Month. Diehard Remainers and Leave zealots will be brought together by Channel 4 to live in a televised house over several weeks to see if they can reconcile their differences. The hope is that Jacob Rees-Mogg will become Bob Geldof’s BFF, while things may blossom between Hugh Grant and Ann Widdecombe.
April – You’re All Fools Day. On April 1, Boris Johnson will play a joke on his Cabinet by calling an emergency meeting and announcing he is reversing Brexit. He will look carefully to see which ministers cannot resist cheering.
May – The Merry Month of May. Theresa May will give a series of lectures throughout the month on her part in the Brexit saga. The Government says that because of ‘logistical difficulties’ in London, it has unfortunately had to schedule the event 800 miles north to the island of Foula in the Shetlands (just 21 hours by car and ferry).
June – Quidsummer’s Day. Ballot boxes from the 2019 general election will be placed in town centres and people will be asked to put £1 in them – preferably in the form of two Brexit commemorative 50p coins – to help ex-Labour MPs who have fallen on hard times after losing their seats.
July – Hands Across the Sea Month. To compensate Northern Ireland for its treatment over Brexit, the Prime Minister will announce the building of a crossing between Larne in Ulster and Portpatrick in Scotland to enable fast travel and boost the local economies. He will give assurances that the 28-mile zip wire is ‘technically possible’.
August – We Shall Fight on the Beaches Month. Holidaymakers and day trippers in seaside resorts from Blackpool to Brighton will take part in a daily competition to build sandcastle models of EU headquarters in Brussels, which they will then knock down.
September – Maastrichtly Come Dancing Month. A new BBC show will be launched in which competitors dance on a floor strewn with copies of the 1992 Maastricht Treaty, which created the European Union. The winners will be the couple who reduce the paper to the smallest shreds.
October – Hell-owe’en. George Osborne will scare children with blood-curdling tales from his Project Fear days, while Philip Hammond will rise from his crypt and walk the Earth spreading gloom and despondency. As trade deal negotiations drag on, devious EU representatives will be playing Trick or Treaty.
November – Bennfire Night. Hillary Benn, author of the notorious ‘Surrender Act’, will be burned in effigy in Parliament Square as Boris Johnson leads his Cabinet in a dance around the blazing pyre, singing: ‘Remember, remember / This dishonourable member / Stymied no-deal, what a clot / We see no reason / Why Benn’s awful treason / Should ever be forgot.’
December – Yule Love Being Out of the EU Month. Christmas will be marked by Boris Johnson, dressed as Santa Claus, hosting a festive lunch in 10 Downing Street. Using the EU flag as a tablecloth, he will serve a main course of an oven-ready Brexit deal (minus Brussels sprouts) followed by endless fudge.
January 2021 – The Non-European Bong Contest. The BBC will screen a charity telethon on the 31st to mark the first anniversary of Brexit. Thousands of Leave voters will replicate the chimes of Big Ben by yelling ‘Bong!’ in sequence during a 12-hour countdown to 11pm. Ordinary bongs will cost £10 to sponsor, while premium bongs in the last hour will be auctioned to the highest bidders. The best bonger will be awarded the No-Bell Prize.