‘GOOD morning, First Minister. I’ll be popping up to Scotland later today and wondered if we could possibly meet for a socially distanced chat over a cup of tea and a shortbread?’
– ‘Ye revolting, cowrin, tim’rous beastie, Johnson! How dare ye try to taint the sacred soil o’ Free Caledonia wi’ yer malignant presence? Stay away, sassenach – yer noo welcome.’
‘We could discuss the Covid-19 situation . . .’
– ‘If ye turn up here carryin’ yon foul English pestilence, yer’ll noo be going’ intae quarantine. I’ll have yer heid on a spike on the ramparts o’ Edinburgh Castle.’
‘ . . . and I’d like to have a word about your rather worrying plans for an unofficial second referendum on independence.’
– ‘Away wi’ yer, yer howlin, scabby scrote. If yer think yer can keep us shackled tae yer tyrannical Westminster regime, yer bum’s oot the windae.’
‘Yes, but I am Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and I have a duty to keep the Union intact.’
‘Och, yer bawbag, shut yer puss! Scots wha’ hae wi’ Wallace bled will cast off the yoke o’ English imperialism an’ march triumphant intae the broad, sunlit Highlands o’ independence.’
‘That’s all very well, First Minister. But I think it was your own national poet, Robert Burns, who said: “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley”.’
‘Dinna dare foul the name o’ the Bard wi’ yer poisonous imputations, or I’ll come doon there an’ scrub yer mooth oot wi’ a bunch o’ thistles. Here’s my final warning, Johnson: Keep oot o’ Scotland!’
‘I’d also like to discuss the Barnett Formula, where Scotland gets more money per head from the Exchequer than England and Wales. I’m proposing to increase the amount.’
– ‘I’ll see you at Holyrood, 2pm sharp, Prime Minister. Do you take sugar?’
