Thursday, April 18, 2024
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Brave New Situations Vacant


THE Great Reset brings with it a challenge to the labour market. Many traditional jobs in what remains of heavy industry are disappearing. Advances in technology and AI require fewer employees, but will allow more time for leisure and volunteering for those not in work. The Conservative Woman is now advertising positions about to become available in this new employment world.


Defra: Coastal Improvement Officers

Ideal opportunities for committed environmentalists. 

Wind turbines are causing the virtual eradication of raptors and many other large birds. As part of Operation CROSS (Clearing Remains of Sliced Seabirds) and Project GRETA (Getting Rid of Exterminated Tern Accumulations), Defra has positions available for those not prone to sea sickness to retrieve the remnants of ospreys, puffins, kittiwakes etc to maintain a clean environment and healthy seashore. Salary in the region of £30k plus a packet of Kwells.


Vacancies for militant environmentalists

As a result of the prohibitive cost of electricity, the heinous crime of ‘wood burning’ is rising exponentially. Greenpolice are required in all parts of the country (except near Drax) to deal with offenders. These positions are not for the squeamish and firearms training will be necessary. Salary £45k. 

GCHQ and 77th Brigade

As Sun Tzu would undoubtedly have said, the war against anti-Covid vaxers and climate deniers cannot be won with intimidation and brute force alone. We are looking for people specialising in the dark arts of blackmail and propaganda to ensure that our fight to achieve The Great Reset succeeds. These positions come with a competitive salary and a copy of The Fourth Industrial Revolution by Klaus Schwab.

NHS Vaccinators

In the light of the new Government vaccination policy, ‘A vax a day keeps the variants at bay’, Our NHS has numerous vacancies for vaccinators. Salary £40 plus productivity bonus.



The BBC has several vacancies for members of groups not yet fully represented on its workforce including: #MeToo complainants, Pictish trans activists, tree-dwelling Trotskyites, polygamists. Salary is based on compliance with the Corporation’s inclusivity agenda.

The BBC World Service urgently requires Minoan speakers (Linears A and B). Salary: Olives. 


Vacancies exist in several media organisations for journalists who are able to work harmoniously with the newly formed Ministries of Information and Thought. Salary dependent on compliance with Government and WEF policies.



A large accountancy firm requires insolvency experts to deal with the remaining small and medium sized businesses which have not yet filed for bankruptcy. A competitive salary and a Tesla are part of an attractive remuneration package.

Delivery Drivers

Vacancies exist in all regions. Salary £10 plus commission.

Electric Vehicle Recovery 

A well-established motoring organisation requires tow-truck drivers in all parts of the UK to rescue stranded motorists. Salary £30k, plus bonus and funeral insurance for those working on ‘smart’ motorways.


Theological Consultant

Lambeth Palace seeks a consultant who has the faintest idea about the mission of the Church of England. Some acquaintance with Scripture and an awareness of Christianity are desirable for this position. The successful applicant may choose their vestments.


Diversity and Inclusion Director

With a presence in countries throughout the world, this leading environmental charity seeks an experienced professional to ensure it maintains its reputation as an employer with the highest standards. Business-class travel and a six-figure salary are part of an outstanding remuneration package.

Food bank assistants

With the roll-out of Universal Basic Income, millions of unemployed people now must choose whether to freeze because of the cost of electricity, or starve because of the rising price of food. Volunteering positions are available nationwide with the possible benefit of packets of past-sell-by-dated Waitrose Essentials spaghetti.

Suicide counsellors

Many are finding it difficult to cope with the destruction of their carbon intensive jobs, their lack of mobility, poverty and the general pointlessness of their existence. Suicide counsellors can give them a modicum of reassurance in their despair. Voluntary positions with free biscuits.

Please note: All the above positions require recent vaccination certificates. 

Remember, by 2030, ‘You will own nothing and you will be happy’.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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