Sunday, September 19, 2021
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Breaking Bard

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IN his TCW Defending Freedom blog yesterday, Michael Fahey told how the Globe Theatre in London is issuing trigger warnings for Romeo and Juliet, pointing to ‘suicide, drug use and fake blood’ in the Shakespeare tragedy and giving a phone number for the Samaritans.  

It turns out that such snowflakery is only the start. We can reveal that whole sections of the Bard’s works are now being rewritten by a shadowy government committee, SAGE (Shakespeare Alteration-Generating Executive), to conform to today’s increasingly woke agenda. Some examples have already been leaked . . . 

Henry V  

‘Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, but not before we have done a thorough risk assessment.’  

‘We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, sisters, and those of various genders or none.’  

Twelfth Night  

‘Some are born Greta, some achieve Greta-ness and some have Greta thrust upon them.’  

Romeo and Juliet  

‘Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Has thou not activated the GPS on thy smart watch?’  

‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? If I do, pray wear sunscreen, since average UK July temperatures have risen by around 1.1 degrees Centigrade since the 1960s.’

Julius Caesar  

‘Et tu Brute? Then fall, Caesar! However, fear not, onlookers – because the assassins’ knives are made of rubber and this fake blood will easily wash out of my toga.’  

‘There is a tide in the affairs of men that is doubtless caused by rising sea levels due to the melting of the polar ice caps.’  

The Tempest  

‘Oh brave new globalised world that has such people in it!’  

‘Full fathom five thy father lies; Of his bones are coral made; although coral on the Great Barrier Reef is becoming increasingly endangered.’  

Richard II  

‘This sceptr’d isle . . . this precious stone set in the silver sea, which serves it in the office of a highway to welcome the diverse, enriching, dinghy-borne folk of less happier lands.’  

Richard III  

‘Now is the winter of our discontent, because it no longer snows due to man-made global warming.’ 

Macbeth  

‘Raab’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.’  

‘Out, out, brief candle! Instead, switch instead to green, wind turbine-generated energy for all your domestic lighting needs.’  

The Merchant of Venice  

‘If you prick us with a Covid vaccination, do we not bleed? Aye, possibly for a short while, but studies have shown that adverse reactions are rare.’  

‘A pound of that same merchant’s flesh is thine: The court awards it, but be aware that meat contributes to greenhouse gases and going vegan is highly recommended.’  

Hamlet

‘To be or not to be jabbed, that is the question.’  

‘This above all: To thine own self be true, unless a Government directive tells you otherwise.’  

‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be; excepting if thy name is Sunak.’  

‘Alas, poor Boris! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. Then he married Carrie.’

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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