WITH a spate of novels about the pandemic now being published, I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon – not by writing something original, but by adapting famous books to a Covid storyline. However, it’s proved harder than I thought. I’ve made a start on rewriting some literary masterpieces, but have so far managed only to sort out the endings . . .
‘But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Pharma.’
– Nineteen Eighty-Four (George Orwell)
‘After all, tomorrow is another lockdown.’
– Gone with the Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
‘It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better vaccination centre that I go to than I have ever known.’
– A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens)
‘But wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the Forest, a little boy and his Bear will always be wondering if mRNA is really a vaccine or a dangerous gene therapy.’
– The House At Pooh Corner (A A Milne)
‘There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed by the Creator into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms of coronavirus have been, and are being evolved and used by the Government and the MSM to scare the s**t out of us.’
– On the Origin of Species (Charles Darwin)
‘From the Land of Oz,’ said Dorothy gravely. ‘And here is Toto, too. And oh, Aunt Em! I’m so glad to be out of isolation again!’
– The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (L Frank Baum)
‘He reached the top of the bank in a single, powerful leap. Hazel followed; and together they slipped away, running easily down through the wood, where the first pile of illegally fly-tipped used face masks was beginning to moulder.’
– Watership Down (Richard Adams)
‘The hypodermic came down, missing him by inches, and he took off.’
– Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
‘He now has more patients than the devil himself could handle; the authorities treat him with deference and public opinion supports him. Ferguson has just been awarded the Cross of the Legion of Covid.’
– Madame Bovary (Gustave Flaubert)
‘God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world, according to Chris Whitty at the latest Downing Street press conference,’ whispered Anne softly.
– Anne of Green Gables
‘So we vaccine refuseniks beat on, boats against the current.’
– The Great Gatsby (F Scott Fitzgerald)
‘Darling,’ replied Valentine, ‘has not the Count just told us that all human wisdom is summed up in two words?: Stay sceptic.’
—The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
‘The vaccination queue, snaking sombre under an overcast sky and stretching to the uttermost ends of the earth, seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness.’
– Heart of Darkness (Joseph Conrad)
‘The people looked from Pfizer to Moderna, and from Moderna to Pfizer, and from Pfizer to Moderna again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.’
– Animal Farm (George Orwell)
‘For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Romeo and Juliet’s Lateral Flow.’
– Romeo and Juliet (William Shakespeare)
