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Cads, dunderheads and nincompoops – Chatty’s lament


OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence with his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966 but is planning to retire at the next General Election.

My Dear Friends 

It is my sad duty to report that this infernal Parliament shows no sign of being prorogued. Despite the disastrous local election results it seems that the chancer Sunak is determined to hang on to the last moment in the forlorn hope of a miraculous intervention. 

The dismal weather of recent weeks has been a fitting backdrop to yet more idiotic pronouncements by some of my Parliamentary colleagues. The Shapps fellow and a cove named Ellwood have been wittering on about conscription. I strongly urge you all to have no truck with any such ideas, and should any moves be made to recruit your youngsters for the next American war I am happy to put at their disposal the extensive tunnel network that exists below Tittleham Hall. The tunnels were built by one of my forebears, Sir Tristram Chatterton-Gore, to house arms, horses and men during the Civil War. The sudden and unexpected appearance of the Tittleham Terriers, as they were called, led to the routing of the Parliamentary forces at the Battle of Roundway Down on July 13 1643.

Further depressing news from Westminster has come in the form of yet more jiggery-pokery from my colleagues. An appropriately named wrong ’un named Wragg has been caught displaying his privates to all and sundry and encouraging others to do the same. Not only that, but another of Central Office’s finest, a dreary Scotsman called Menzies, pleaded to be rescued from a dungeon or some such location where he was allegedly tied to a chair with his trousers around his ankles. In the light of this tawdry behaviour one almost admires the activities of John Profumo with the stunner Keeler in the early sixties. At least Profumo, who was a war hero and by all accounts a jolly decent fellow, was batting for the right side, and he made an attempt to atone for his dalliance by washing dishes at a charity for the rest of his life.

Once it became known that I would not be standing at the next General Election, I was unsurprisingly offered all manner of positions from organisations that wished me to become their figurehead. These included the Gormogons, the Jockey Club and the British Ferret Society. However, the most unusual offer came from a burly, dim-witted chap named Sammy or Lammy. I have noticed him on the Socialist benches and gather that he may become the Foreign Secretary when slippery Starmer moves into Number Ten. Sammy/Lammy wanted me to become our next ambassador to Washington. Naturally I gave him short shrift. My loyalties lie with you good people. I have always treated our so-called ‘cousins’ across the Atlantic with the utmost suspicion since I first heard about the rejection of the natural order of things by a cabal of slave owners, Puritans and horse traders in 1776. Furthermore, I have no desire to consort with the ruffian Trump nor the vegetable that is Biden.

Having said that, Lady Veronica told me she would have looked forward to possessing a wider array of armaments. She was particularly keen to get her hands on an AR-15. However, the temptation to use it rather it too freely would have been irresistible in and around Washington. I am not sure that diplomatic immunity would apply were she to give vent to her annoyance at the sight of lobbyists for the Democratic cause. Although the Americans are all too familiar with mass shootings, I fear that no amount of small talk and lemon drizzle cake could redress the diplomatic fallout that would inevitably ensue from such an event. 

As I take my leave, I urge you to keep your peckers well and truly up. It is becoming clear to more and more people that we are governed by cads, dunderheads and nincompoops. In time their house of cards will collapse and the voices of decent people such as yourselves will prevail.

Your humble servant

Sir Charles Chatterton MP

Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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