Pennsylvania Avenue Academy for the Sons and Daughters of Gentlefolk
End of Year Report
Trump, Donald – Head Boy

It is true that Donald’s election as Head Boy of School took many of the staff and parents by surprise. So shocked were some that there were even murmurs in the Staff Room about abandoning the School’s experiment in allowing pupils a voice in the election of Head Boy.

Unfortunately the pupils, despite our not inconsiderable endeavours to steer them in the right direction, do sometimes get it deplorably wrong. Regrettably many of the scholarship pupils are too easily swayed by promises they can actually understand and which are in line with their limited way of thinking. The staff acknowledge this and have made a commitment to ensure that the unfortunate election of such another a Head Boy is never repeated.

I am glad to report that the Drama and IT staff in particular have fully taken on board their responsibility to ensure that the next Head Boy, or hopefully Head Girl, will be a safe pair of hands willing to work in accord with the wishes of the staff and parents. After all, we are the grown-ups, the ones who know how things should work. The School magazine, the end-of-term play and all the video productions emanating from the School audio-visual department will adhere very strictly to the approved School line.

Those whose wishes to further the School’s progress by electing a Head Girl were so cruelly dashed did talk of declaring the election void and re-running it. Some also advocated adjusting our antiquated electoral system. However, reluctant though we are, it has to be admitted that Donald did win under the process which has hitherto stood the school in good stead for more than two centuries. Despite all obstacles, we are confident that the School can withstand Donald’s time in office and safely return to normal in 2020.

In IT, Donald has shown very little progress. Although surprisingly able at low-tech 140-character transmissions, these too often occur at odd hours of the night when he should be safely asleep in the dorm. His Housemaster feels that a proper regime of work, rest and play would make Donald a much happier boy and has had a word with Matron Clinton about sedatives.

Unfortunately Donald has yet to master the art of using the teleprompter. We have urged him to follow the example of his predecessor as Head Boy. Obama Major stuck rigidly to the teleprompter and showed a pleasing willingness to adhere to what had been prepared for him. Unfortunately Donald is unable to stick to our script and will launch out in unexpected and at times alarming directions. I am sure we all shudder to remember the unfortunate incident with Kim Minor and the ‘Rocket man’ episode.

In Technical Design, Donald has promised much, but thankfully has failed to deliver. Much more care must be taken by staff to curb his enthusiasm for unrealistic projects, particularly his idea of erecting walls around the School playground. Distressing as it may be to some, it is necessary that many children from the adjacent council housing estate should be encouraged to come in and sweep up and tidy away the rubbish. I am sure we would all agree that it would be preposterous to expect any of our pupils to do such menial tasks.

In Science class, Donald has been a great disappointment. He must learn that others know best, particularly in meteorology. We have unfortunately failed to teach that Science is properly pursued by doing what everyone else does. The Science Department has promised that in future it will be more alert to the presence of deviant thinkers. Where would scientific endeavour end up if pupils insisted on thinking for themselves and questioning the conclusions of the experts?

Donald’s choice of prefects has been disappointing. Thankfully we have been able to sideline some of them, even expelling some from School. Kelly, Price, Spicer and Bannon have all left under a cloud. Unfortunately some such as Gorsuch remain. I am sure that you will be relieved when you reflect on the record of prefects appointed to the Conduct Committee. We can count on them falling into line, although it must be admitted that Gorsuch Minor retains an unsettling propensity to think for himself. Time will tell.

In his conduct of negotiations with other schools concerning shared access to equipment in the Science Lab, Donald has proved a disappointment. However, we are confident that we are able to contain his more egregious errors.

Despite Donald’s outrageous claims, we believe that Khomeini High School (Strictly For Boys Only) has no desire to use our Bunsen burners to manufacture noxious substances. We know that boys will be boys and get up to all manner of japes in the Science Lab, but we are confident that Headmaster Rouhani will not allow his pupils to do anything too naughty.

Sadly Donald’s influence is being felt in other schools, particularly in Europe. We have had complaints from other Headmasters noting that, encouraged by Donald’s election, there are movements amongst the more deplorable pupils to elect like-minded Head Boys. Thankfully with the departure of Albion Academy from the Headmasters’ Conference, and their consequent richly deserved punishment, this movement may yet be nipped in the bud. We trust that the European Headmasters will be able to quell any further such potential insurrections.

Rest assured, we are not complacent. The predictions of Donaldopocalypse, a combination of nuclear war, melting icecaps, race conflicts, economic collapse and the opening of the very mouth of Hell have yet to occur. We await them daily.


  1. There was an interesting article in the New York Times about attitudes to Trump among his core constituency – the white poor. They happily acknowledge that he has failed on almost all his promises, although they don’t think that’s his fault. They don’t care about his shambolic cabinet appointments, Muller’s investigation, or much at all about foreign policy. They simply adore him because they think he speaks for them. They love the tweeting. His biggest win among them is the stuff about the NFL. They are phlegmatic about the fact that economically they are just as disadvantaged as ever, with few signs of much change.

    • And you can guarantee thats the one thing that will really grate on the NYT – If that failure to deliver cant be used as a stick to beat Trump with, if it cant be leveraged, then it cant be weaponised against him to wind the proles up to vote for the Dems instead. That will really p*ss them off something rotten.

      • I quite like the NYT. The point is that failure to deliver doesn’t worry his core support, but the electorate is wider than that. Personally I feel if he wants to get second term he needs to actually achieve something at some point.

    • “They happily acknowledge that he has failed on almost all his promises, although they don’t think that’s his fault….”

      I would suggest the TINY amount of things he has failed on they KNOW isn’t his fault. Can you elaborate on what ‘almost all’ promises he has failed on? Omit those that are underway.

      • The wall, repeal Obamacare, lock her up, Mexico will pay, North Korea, take back manufacturing from China and on and on …. Why don’t you tell me what he has achieved? Truly extraordinary while his party controls both Congress and the Senate.

  2. One unfortunate omission from the report is the alarming increase of bullying, specifically targeted at those wayward pupils who had the temerity to vote for the new Head Boy; and the equally alarming tendency of the editors of the school magazine to regard such bullying as something to be encouraged and celebrated.

  3. Trump has been stubbornly blocked by the Washington establishment, particularly in domestic policy over which he has limited control – but the good thing is that his supporters see that. They love his tweets. So do we.

  4. There is method and aforethought, indubitably it takes time, the president is working on it and an economy focused on lowering taxes and delivering cheap energy and lots of it…………..we shall judge Mr. Trump on his presidency only in the three years henceforth from this day.

    In the meantime on all matters and in particular the ‘great green myth’, if he continues to spite and vigorously wind up the Illiberal tosserati then, mere words of praise are simply not sufficient.

    • How do you know?
      ‘Imitation’ pale or otherwise implies a conscious decision to copy. Given Private Eye’s tiny circulation how can you be so sure the contributor reads Private Eye?

  5. “wonders where it all went wrong”

    Well it kind of started going wrong when Mr Campbell-Jack’s parents suffered an astonishing lack of imagination in naming their new bairn.

  6. Wow, that is so funny. NOT. Remember all the ‘experts’ saying the US economy would fail if Trump became president?
    Trump has made GOOD changes in all the areas that matter. Bear in mind that he is fighting (on behalf of the American people) against the entire congress and senate, because the Republican and Democrat swamps are united against him. Enjoy the moments of mocking, because Trump candidates are about to sweep the board in the next elections, and, as the American people put out the sycophantic dullards and put in people who want to make a real change, the Donald will start to really deliver.

  7. Would be funnier if The Donald was not the worst President in living memory. Bush Junior was a disaster and Obama at best a total non-entity, but The Donald has beyond abysmal. Even Nixon and Carter were better – and one of those had to resign the presidency and the other had the massive drag factor of, well, being Jimmy Carter.

    • yeah….lowest numbers claiming unemployment in 40 years, massive leap in the dow a couple of weeks back.

      i remmeber as far back as carer and obama was the worst by a country mile followed by carter, bush jnr and the rapist in that order.

      #MAGA #MBGA

  8. Trump is turning out to be the greatest President America has ever had. He is not corrupt, being a billionaire he cannot be bought. unlike the Clintons the Obamas and Bush’s and many others that have gone before him especially in Congress. He is not a politician and as such speaks plainly to the working and blue collar voters that put him into office, in the face of the most corrupt MSM and Clinton controlled and financed Democrat campaign against him. You are a fool like most leftists and cannot attack his policies, but simply attack him.

      • Lincoln didn’t really get very far and he didn’t put a stop to the army’s attacks on the American Indians. Other than he was a wartime anti slavery leader, I’m not too sure about his other achievements beyond the hype. Not sure what state the US economy was in. Although the war against the South was an illegal war I think you will find.

        • You’re right, he didn’t stop the Indian attacks on the peaceful settlers, which is no more dishonest than your description. His mission was to save the Union, nothing more, nothing less. He succeeded rather spectacularly. The economy? It was growing by leaps and bounds (in the North) more mills, more railroad, more employment whatever measure you like, after all, there was a war on, see also 1940-1945 and think about how we got out of the depression. Hint, it wasn’t Mr Roosevelt, it was Herr Hitler.

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