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HomeNewsCampbell Campbell-Jack: Head Boy Trump – the end of year report

Campbell Campbell-Jack: Head Boy Trump – the end of year report


Pennsylvania Avenue Academy for the Sons and Daughters of Gentlefolk
End of Year Report
Trump, Donald – Head Boy

It is true that Donald’s election as Head Boy of School took many of the staff and parents by surprise. So shocked were some that there were even murmurs in the Staff Room about abandoning the School’s experiment in allowing pupils a voice in the election of Head Boy.

Unfortunately the pupils, despite our not inconsiderable endeavours to steer them in the right direction, do sometimes get it deplorably wrong. Regrettably many of the scholarship pupils are too easily swayed by promises they can actually understand and which are in line with their limited way of thinking. The staff acknowledge this and have made a commitment to ensure that the unfortunate election of such another a Head Boy is never repeated.

I am glad to report that the Drama and IT staff in particular have fully taken on board their responsibility to ensure that the next Head Boy, or hopefully Head Girl, will be a safe pair of hands willing to work in accord with the wishes of the staff and parents. After all, we are the grown-ups, the ones who know how things should work. The School magazine, the end-of-term play and all the video productions emanating from the School audio-visual department will adhere very strictly to the approved School line.

Those whose wishes to further the School’s progress by electing a Head Girl were so cruelly dashed did talk of declaring the election void and re-running it. Some also advocated adjusting our antiquated electoral system. However, reluctant though we are, it has to be admitted that Donald did win under the process which has hitherto stood the school in good stead for more than two centuries. Despite all obstacles, we are confident that the School can withstand Donald’s time in office and safely return to normal in 2020.

In IT, Donald has shown very little progress. Although surprisingly able at low-tech 140-character transmissions, these too often occur at odd hours of the night when he should be safely asleep in the dorm. His Housemaster feels that a proper regime of work, rest and play would make Donald a much happier boy and has had a word with Matron Clinton about sedatives.

Unfortunately Donald has yet to master the art of using the teleprompter. We have urged him to follow the example of his predecessor as Head Boy. Obama Major stuck rigidly to the teleprompter and showed a pleasing willingness to adhere to what had been prepared for him. Unfortunately Donald is unable to stick to our script and will launch out in unexpected and at times alarming directions. I am sure we all shudder to remember the unfortunate incident with Kim Minor and the ‘Rocket man’ episode.

In Technical Design, Donald has promised much, but thankfully has failed to deliver. Much more care must be taken by staff to curb his enthusiasm for unrealistic projects, particularly his idea of erecting walls around the School playground. Distressing as it may be to some, it is necessary that many children from the adjacent council housing estate should be encouraged to come in and sweep up and tidy away the rubbish. I am sure we would all agree that it would be preposterous to expect any of our pupils to do such menial tasks.

In Science class, Donald has been a great disappointment. He must learn that others know best, particularly in meteorology. We have unfortunately failed to teach that Science is properly pursued by doing what everyone else does. The Science Department has promised that in future it will be more alert to the presence of deviant thinkers. Where would scientific endeavour end up if pupils insisted on thinking for themselves and questioning the conclusions of the experts?

Donald’s choice of prefects has been disappointing. Thankfully we have been able to sideline some of them, even expelling some from School. Kelly, Price, Spicer and Bannon have all left under a cloud. Unfortunately some such as Gorsuch remain. I am sure that you will be relieved when you reflect on the record of prefects appointed to the Conduct Committee. We can count on them falling into line, although it must be admitted that Gorsuch Minor retains an unsettling propensity to think for himself. Time will tell.

In his conduct of negotiations with other schools concerning shared access to equipment in the Science Lab, Donald has proved a disappointment. However, we are confident that we are able to contain his more egregious errors.

Despite Donald’s outrageous claims, we believe that Khomeini High School (Strictly For Boys Only) has no desire to use our Bunsen burners to manufacture noxious substances. We know that boys will be boys and get up to all manner of japes in the Science Lab, but we are confident that Headmaster Rouhani will not allow his pupils to do anything too naughty.

Sadly Donald’s influence is being felt in other schools, particularly in Europe. We have had complaints from other Headmasters noting that, encouraged by Donald’s election, there are movements amongst the more deplorable pupils to elect like-minded Head Boys. Thankfully with the departure of Albion Academy from the Headmasters’ Conference, and their consequent richly deserved punishment, this movement may yet be nipped in the bud. We trust that the European Headmasters will be able to quell any further such potential insurrections.

Rest assured, we are not complacent. The predictions of Donaldopocalypse, a combination of nuclear war, melting icecaps, race conflicts, economic collapse and the opening of the very mouth of Hell have yet to occur. We await them daily.

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Dr Campbell Campbell-Jack
Dr Campbell Campbell-Jack
Campbell is a retired Presbyterian minister who lives in Stirlingshire. He blogs at A Grain of Sand.

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