CONFIDENTIAL
The Prime Minister’s Private Office
Subject: Wedding, July 30, 2022
DETAILED below is some early information about the PM’s planned wedding to Carrie Symonds at Chequers next year. Recipients are asked to ensure this document is not leaked.
The venue: Tribesmen from the endangered Amazon rainforest will sail to Britain on balsa wood rafts to build a traditional thatched community shelter on the lawn of Chequers, using sustainably-sourced palm leaves, organically-grown bamboo poles and reconstituted mangrove swamp mud.
Utilities: An 853ft high Haliade X wind turbine will be installed locally to supply clean, guilt-free power for the ceremony. This will involve demolishing a square mile of nearby Princes Risborough.
Dress: The bride will wear a Lulu Lytle-inspired wedding gown made from recycled curtain offcuts and a hat fashioned from gold wallpaper. The groom will wear a puzzled frown.
Musical accompaniment: The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change Children’s Choir – ‘the Carbon-Neutral Kids’ – will sing selections from their album The World’s Getter Warmer, But We’re Still Cool Dudes.
Best man (Man’s best friend): Dilyn the dog will accompany the groom with the wedding ring attached to his collar.
The ceremony: Because the bride may one day become Environment Secretary and have to devote herself to the job, her vows will say: ‘For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till DEFRA us do part’.
The reading: Greta Thunberg will address the congregation on the theme: Boris, You Lying B*****d, You’ve Stolen My Future and Still Haven’t Done Anything About It.
The blessing: To be administered by The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, on the theme: The Triumph of Hope Over Experience.
Prayers: They’re going to need them.
The wedding breakfast: Responsibly-foraged plants in season, including chickweed, bog myrtle, common scurvygrass, dandelions and hazelnut-nuts. An infusion of mugwort and nettles will also be offered.
(Guests should be advised that a polar bear will be allowed to mingle among them during the proceedings to raise awareness of the melting Arctic and Antarctic ice caps).
Carriages: The bride and groom will travel to their honeymoon staycation destination by VirtueSignaller® electric car, provided the wind has been blowing and the battery is charged. Otherwise they can take the No69 Chiltern Flyer Bus, which stops a mile away on the Aylesbury road.
