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Monday, May 27, 2024
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Changing of le Guard

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FRENCH troops will guard Buckingham Palace today in a ceremony to mark 120 years of the friendship pact between our two countries, known as the Entente Cordiale. 

Thirty-two soldiers from the Republican Guard of the National Gendarmerie will join 40 members of the Scots Guards to parade during the Changing of the Guard. The French troops will be marched on and off the palace forecourt by the Band of the Grenadier Guards, which will also perform both countries’ national anthems and a programme of Anglo-French music.

However, amid fears that historical tensions might arise, TCW can reveal that British soldiers have been issued with a special Order of the Day:

1. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Entente Cordiale is not someone drinking concentrated fruit juice in a marquee. It is the agreement made between Britain and France in April 1904 to ensure future friendly relations.

2. You will greet your French counterparts with appropriate military etiquette and not by saying: ’Allo, ’Allo, Johnny Foreigner.

3. When orders are shouted by Gendarmerie officers, do not show repugnance if met by an overwhelming whiff of garlic.

4. Our guests may talk of French military prowess, but do not mention Crecy, Poitiers, Agincourt, Quebec, Trafalgar or Waterloo.

5. If discussing the recent Ridley Scott film Napoleon, do not point out that Bonaparte was a whingeing wimp under the thumb of that right little raver Josephine.

6. Do not imply that the Gendarmerie troops might not be keen on returning to France and may seek asylum here.

7. The French may remind you that they are still in the EU while we have ill-advisedly gone through Brexit. Just give them a pitying look.

Anglo-French Musical Programme:

Mademoiselle from Armentieres (cleaned-up version).

The Marseillaise (just mumble if you don’t know the words).

Je T’Aime . . . Moi Non Plus (just breathe heavily).

The National Anthem.

Anyone singing the following version of the National Anthem – which has been doing the rounds of the barrack room – will be put on a charge:

God save our gracious King!
Give France a rollicking!
God save the King!
Send him victorious,
O’er Frogs vainglorious,
Macron’s a creepy wuss,

God save the King!

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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