Tuesday, June 18, 2024
HomeNewsChatty: Goodbye House, hello Home Guard

Chatty: Goodbye House, hello Home Guard


OUR man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence to his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966.

My Dear Friends 

I remember the moment well. It was a clear crisp morning, 57 years ago almost to the day. I had just returned to the Hall after apprehending, with the help of our trusty groundskeeper Old Seth, a hare-laden poacher. My father had summoned me to his study for a rare discussion. ‘My boy,’ he said, ‘it is time you took up the cudgels.’ With that he announced his departure from the Commons. I was to become your new Member.

After nearly six decades of being your tribune I regret to announce it will shortly be time for me to retire.

I reached my decision after taking soundings in the Drunken Ferret. With me at the time were my neighbours Sir Archibald Struthers, Sir Reginald de Vere-Blenkinsop, the Dowager Josephine Cotton, together with my grandson Ivanhoe. We unanimously agreed that Parliament was not the place for men and women of calibre and breeding.

But what of Ivanhoe, who had agreed to take my place in the Westminster cesspit?

After several rounds of Badger’s Snout with chasers of McYousaf’s 15-year-old single malt, we developed the following plan which I urge you to support. 

Ivanhoe is to be the prime mover in the formation of an organisation titled the Tittleham Territorials (TTs). Our plan is for all fit and agile people in the area to come together in a militia. We shall then have the wherewithal to banish from the area those who wish to destroy our way of life. These include illegal aliens, BBC employees, unscrupulous medics, electric car owners and purveyors of wind turbines.

Sir Archibald has offered his grounds for training purposes and Dowager Cotton has volunteered her extensive armoury for use by those proficient in the operation of medieval siege paraphernalia. Sir Reginald is to mobilise his hawks equipped with miniature cameras for surveillance purposes, whilst Lady Veronica and I are to form a cavalry squadron. Our intention is to make life Hell for any of the aforementioned intruders.

We believe that if other districts follow our lead we can restore the nation to a semblance of normality.

My decision to stand down was partly a result of a disturbing occurrence on my most recent fact-finding trip to the Far East. My loyal and dutiful secretary Catherine became enamoured of a person of rank in a province of Malaya. A marriage quickly followed and she now goes by the title of Sultana Catherine di-Ibrahim Agong. Catherine spends her time travelling with her servants between her new husband’s properties in Switzerland, Bermuda and Hawaii. I have contacted Miss Fifi Devine’s Secretarial Agency for a temporary replacement to tide me over until next year’s dissolution of Parliament.

Those of you who met our Ukrainian refugee Zlata will be interested to know that she is now ensconced in her new house in Bath, generously gifted to her by the local authority. She has been joined there by her extended family and her fiancée, Denys. I understand that Denys brings with him the skills of a flute-playing pavement artist and painter of stones.

I appreciate that my decision to step down from Parliament must be difficult for you all but I am sure that, whatever challenges outrageous fortune flings in your path, you will respond with the deep reserves of fortitude and courage that I know you possess.

Your humble and departing servant 

Sir Charles Chatterton MP

Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham 

PS: The first practice session for the TT militia will take place on Thursday week.

If you appreciated this article, perhaps you might consider making a donation to The Conservative Woman. Unlike most other websites, we receive no independent funding. Our editors are unpaid and work entirely voluntarily as do the majority of our contributors but there are inevitable costs associated with running a website. We depend on our readers to help us, either with regular or one-off payments. You can donate here. Thank you.
If you have not already signed up to a daily email alert of new articles please do so. It is here and free! Thank you.

John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

Sign up for TCW Daily

Each morning we send The ConWom Daily with links to our latest news. This is a free service and we will never share your details.