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Thursday, May 23, 2024
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Chatty on bounders, deadwood and lemon drizzle cake

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OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence to his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966. He is an Assistant Under Secretary of State at the Department of Health.

My Dear Friends 

I must confess that I find it increasingly difficult to fathom what goes on in the minds of my colleagues at Westminster. It gives me no pleasure to report that the ship of state continues to be buffeted by treacherous whirlpools as it navigates through the flotsam and jetsam of failed policies and meanders inexorably on to the rocks whilst being tempted by sirens spouting nonsensical leftist lunacy and green gobbledegook.

Those with power to act stand idly by whilst the odious Khan destroys our capital and councillors in other parts of the country begin to confine residents into zones which will soon resemble large prison camps. I suppose if people vote for their jailers they deserve all they get.

My fellow parliamentarians continue to disgrace themselves. The latest found to be an absolute bounder is the self-regarding cove Zahawi, who seemed to have had a lapse of memory concerning the need to pay his taxes. I am pleased to say that my taxes, and those of the Estate, are dealt with punctiliously by my accountants, Avoid and Prosper Associates in the Cayman Islands. They have long been experts in the field having worked for Robert Maxwell, professional footballers and various hedge fund managers. 

You may recall that Zahawi was exposed for heating his stables by means of funds claimed on his parliamentary allowances. He explained that he did not realise that he did not have a separate meter for his stables. An absolute taradiddle if you ask me. 

You will be reassured to read that the horses at Tittleham Hall have never been kept warm by the use of taxpayers’ money. Instead my boiler is fed with any government publications I can find, especially those concerning diversity, the EU and the environment. My secretary, Catherine, has also located a ready supply of fuel in the Pandemic Diaries by the clown Hancock. Local booksellers are only too delighted to be rid of them for 10p a copy.

I am still dutifully working to reduce the number of people on NHS waiting lists. The latest wheeze by the departmental civil servants is to use robotics and artificial intelligence to solve the problem. In a ‘hush hush’ operation they have been trialling LGBT++ approved, gender neutral ‘Robonurses’ at a palliative care unit in Mansfield. Unfortunately, it was discovered that the robots had been programmed by a committed socialist and for the past week they have been on strike demanding a superior type of lubrication. The machines have barricaded the building and left the residents to fend for themselves. An experimental ‘Robopoliceperson’, being trialled by Nottinghamshire Constabulary, is currently negotiating with them to allow the evacuation of the patients. 

I am pleased that many of you have availed yourself of my offer to collect deadwood from the Estate to help with your heating during this difficult winter. However, I must warn you again not to cut down any saplings or branches in your search for fuel. My grandson, Ivanhoe, is currently under instruction in estate management by my man Mellors. Ivanhoe is very keen on forestry conservation and is likely to let fly with his Purdey at the sight of anyone he suspects to be carrying an axe or a saw.

On a brighter note, I am pleased to say that after many months of training by my dear wife, Lady Veronica, and binfuls of discarded burnt specimens, our Ukrainian refugee, Zlata, has mastered the skill of making a half-decent lemon drizzle cake. To celebrate her accomplishment, she has baked one such cake that loosely matches the shape of the Ukraine. The cake is to be auctioned at the next Warm Wednesday with proceeds split between the Lviv Home for Distressed Gentlefolk and the Mariupol Refuge for Abandoned Grandmothers. Crimea, which kept breaking away from the rest of the cake, will be auctioned separately.

You will no doubt have noticed that the snowdrops have finally reared their pretty little heads and the first lambs of the year have begun to gambol and frolic in the Estate grounds. Let us take heart from these simple pleasures and remember that the glory of God’s nature will ultimately triumph over the intentions of our perverted and mendacious foes.

I remain 

Your devoted servant 

Sir Charles Chatterton MP
Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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