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Chatty on his dishonourable friends


OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, has once again felt compelled to write to his constituents about contemporary affairs. In recognition of its commitment to truth, transparency and decency, he is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966. He is an Assistant Under Secretary at the Department for Transport.

My Dear Friends 

There are times when one feels pangs of regret about the path that one has chosen in one’s calling to dedicate one’s life to the service of others. I regret to say that this is such a time. 

It has become ever more apparent to me that I am required to spend significant periods of my working life surrounded by those whom one would not even care to employ as a mole-catcher or a beater on a wet Monday afternoon.

The unsavoury allegations made about the behaviour of some of my colleagues in the House of Commons are causing me considerable anguish. The reports you may have seen appear to be true even though they are difficult and distressing to comprehend. 

For example, it is said that a fellow Member who goes by the name of Parish, whilst taking part in a debate, confused a tractor video on his phone with a film showing young ladies in a state of undress behaving in an unseemly manner. His explanation that his spell-check inadvertently corrected ‘Kubota’ to ‘Cute Botty’ doesn’t cut the mustard.

You may also have been disturbed by the sight of Mrs Angela Rayner, a rather uncouth Socialist. You will be pleased to hear that when she chooses to cross her legs I avert my eyes and stare at the back of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s head until she has left the Chamber.

As I have reported to you on many occasions, the Palace of Westminster has more than its fair share of egocentric slugabed faineants.

On a local level, some of you have remarked upon the presence of excavators in the Hall grounds. They are there to convert the redundant Ice House into a nuclear bunker. Unfortunately, it will have enough room only for myself, my secretary Catherine, a few members of my staff and, of course, Lady Veronica. However, there is no need for you to be alarmed as I have been informed that our Foreign Secretary has asked Professor Whitty and his gang at Sage to produce a pamphlet which will give a ten-point plan regarding actions to be taken in the event that President Putin unleashes his ‘Satan’ missiles in the vicinity.

On a brighter note I have been collaborating with Tittleham Young Farmers to have their annual wife-carrying steeplechase recognised by Unesco as an Intangible Heritage of Humanity. Should it be rejected it will be irrefutable proof that the United Nations is a busted flush and no longer fit for purpose.

This year’s event will take place in the Hall grounds on Sunday week.

The competition was initiated by my grandfather’s elder brother Myles, an acclaimed misogynist, bully and noted athlete in his day. He became infamous following a bare-knuckle boxing match against the only son of the Marquess of Bute during which his opponent lost all his teeth and an eye. He figured prominently in the 1904 Olympic Games where he received medals for the British team in dumbbells and wrestling and won a gold when he played in goal for the Canadian football team under an assumed name. Unfortunately, he was disqualified from the singlestick event when he thrashed his French adversary to within an inch of his life.

I shall sign off on that inspiring note and the reassurance that I steadfastly remain . . .

Your humble servant,

Sir Charles Chatterton MP

Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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