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Chatty on the eco-coronation


OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence to his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966. He has recently accepted the post of Assistant Under Secretary of State at the Department of Health.

My Dear Friends 

Since 1662, when one of my forebears Sir Hector de Chartres introduced the previous monarch named Charles to the fleshpots of the capital, the Chattertons have had an intimate relationship with the monarchy. 

It came as no surprise, therefore, to learn that the Duke of Norfolk required my participation in Operation Golden Orb. As I am sure you know, this is the planning committee for the Coronation of our new King on May 6 next year. 

I must confess that I have not always been totally enamoured of our new head of state. My reservations were deepened at the first meeting of the committee. The Duke listed amendments to the historic ceremony that the King wishes to incorporate in order ‘to have a slimmed-down ceremony that reflects the inclusivity and diversity of modern Britain’. 

The list was long and detailed but the requests that I remember include:

The Gold State Coach to be replaced by an open-top electric vehicle; 

Other members of the Royal Family to follow on electric bicycles or scooters;

Representatives from Just Stop Oil to form a guard of honour at the Abbey whilst glued to the floor of the nave.

The King to be anointed with oil retrieved from the gearbox of a wind turbine;

St Edward’s Crown to be placed on the sovereign’s head by doom-monger-in-chief David Attenborough;

Handel’s coronation anthem Zadok the Priest to be replaced by something called ‘rap’ from someone by the name of Stormy;

A gift bag containing Duchy Organic Chocolate Orange Biscuits and an acorn from the King’s favourite oak tree on the Highgrove estate to be given to all attendees.

Naturally, the Duke and I were not the only ones taken aback by these requests, and it remains to be seen how we can accommodate the King’s desires without the whole shebang turning into a fiasco of the first order.

I informed Lady Veronica about the extraordinary nature of the ceremony sought by Charles. She was not at all surprised by what I told her. Her mother was a Lady in Waiting to the Queen Mother and spent many hours with Her Majesty accompanying her to the hospital named in honour of her daughter in King’s Lynn where fish bones were extracted from Her Majesty’s gullet. She remembers Charles as a relatively normal child until he went to a school called Gordonstoun, founded by a German in the desolate wasteland of Morayshire. She said he might have been more normal had he attended the King Edward VII Grammar School in Lynn. There he could have met a nice local commoner and settled down, waiting to be crowned, enjoying a quiet contented life as an asparagus farmer or some such.

I am sure that many of you will be concerned by the escalating conflict in Eastern Europe. As I have said many times, the Europeans have a tendency to be disagreeable. They are generally prone to high jinks, rumbustious carryings-on and trouble-making. We would be better off having no truck with their disputes. However, it seems that the people in the White House have embroiled us in their mischief-making, and are more than happy to sacrifice the Continent to enrich their armament manufacturers and satiate their distaste for President Putin. 

It is, therefore, possible that nuclear weapons could be widely deployed. I am pleased to say that the disused Ice House here in the Hall grounds has now been converted into a rather comfortable nuclear bunker, and should explosions occur in the vicinity I am confident I shall be able to continue to represent your interests in whatever way is possible in the aftermath of a devastating attack.

I have received a postcard from our Ukrainian refugee, Zlata. She writes that she is enjoying her holiday in Kiev but her first attempt at baking a lemon drizzle cake ended in disaster when the electricity was temporarily interrupted by an explosion elsewhere in the city. She is however determined to succeed before her return to Tittleham.

I remain,

Your humble and obedient servant

Sir Charles Chatterton MP
Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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