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Sunday, June 16, 2024
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Chatty signs off . . . for now

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OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence with his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966.

My Dear Friends 

As this most dreadful of Parliaments has now staggered to its desultory conclusion it is with some relief that I am taking the opportunity to stand down as your esteemed Member. Never could I have imagined the depths of depravity and incompetence that I have witnessed in the Commons in recent years. Never could I have dreamt that a once distinguished party could allow itself to be destroyed by dunces, dunderheads and deviants. Never could I have thought that the country which gave us Nelson, Wellington and Marlborough could allow itself to kowtow to parasitical foreign billionaires.

Since I became your representative nearly 60 years ago I have tried to do my bit to build fortifications against the rising tide of technocratic communism. I apologise for my shortcomings but I have always fought for the wellbeing of your good selves and that of the nation. Far be it from me to blow my own trumpet but I think that the following encomium recently published in the Tittleham Tribune and Echo gives a balanced scorecard on my time in the House.

‘Rarely has a community been so blessed as to have been represented in the House of Commons by such a titan as Sir Charles Chatterton. It is no exaggeration to say that Sir Charles, or ‘Chatty’, as he is known to his many friends and admirers bestrode the Parliamentary world like a Colossus. 

‘His accomplishments have been the stuff of legends. He has fought valiantly to prevent any hint of fashionable causes affecting Greater Tittleham. He has been steadfast in his distrust of government. He has been the scourge of any hint of Socialist misanthropy in local institutions.

‘Of course behind every great man you will find a woman of equal calibre. By good fortune and sound judgment, Sir Charles has been supported by not one but two strong women. Lady Veronica has never been a shrinking violet and her treatment of Fabians and other ne’er-do-wells has been an example for us all. His other Spartan was his charming and generous secretary, Catherine, a graceful and resourceful lady who provided Sir Charles with all he needed on their various fact-finding trips.

‘It has to be said that despite his wondrous achievements Sir Charles was occasionally unsuccessful in his ambitions. For example he could not find support in the House for the reinstatement of the 1846 Corn Law, nor did he find the numbers required to reintroduce the death penalty for murderers, poachers and paedophiles. But perhaps his greatest regret was his inability to find a consensus to give Upper House, repopulated by hereditary peers, precedence over the rabble who infest the Commons.

‘It is unlikely that the green benches will see his like again. Such is the esteem in which he was held by all in the House, it would not surprise me to discover that the heavenly scribes were at this very moment etching the name “Chatterton” on to a celestial column alongside the pantheon of oratorical gods such as Disraeli, Gladstone, Churchill and Powell.’

I thank my godson the Honourable Aubrey St John-Chatterton for his perceptive and balanced analysis.

You will be delighted to read that following negotiations with Tittleham Borough Council it was agreed that a modest, life-size, bronze representation of myself, mounted on my favourite hunter, Thatcher, should be positioned in the Market Square in Middle Tittleham. I thank you all for your donations to what will certainly be an outstanding equestrian statue.

As I am sure you all know by now that my grandson Ivanhoe will be offered to you as an Independent candidate at the coming General Election. He will of course spend no time in Westminster and concentrate his efforts on training the Tittleham Territorials in readiness for the inevitable skirmishes with the jackbooted demonic socialist thugs who will attempt to subvert our remaining freedoms.

For my part, I shall continue to keep you informed about the state of affairs. My impending elevation to the Lords does not mean I will let my gimlet eye be distracted by trifles and inconsequence. On the contrary it will report regularly on the devastation that Keith Starman and his ilk are planning to inflict on the nation.

Thank you for your support, gifts and prayers.

Your enduring servant 

Sir Charles Chatterton 

Tittleham Hall

Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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