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Chatty stands aloof


OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence to his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966. Out of a sense of duty to the nation, he remains an Assistant Under Secretary at the Department for Transport. 

My Dear Friends,  

In my previous correspondence with you I have often remarked on the dearth of talent and integrity evident in the House of Commons. Despite my best efforts, this has resulted in legislation that has been damaging to the wellbeing and contentment of the working man and woman.  

I have always been of the opinion that Her Majesty’s Prime Minister should be someone of character from the landed gentry. Such a person would understand that the wealth of the nation is dependent upon the valiant daily toil of sons of the soil.  

Sadly, since the time of the Marquis of Salisbury, who owned several adjacent estates, people who understand the needs of decent people such as you have been as rare as hen’s teeth.  

I am sure you have not failed to notice that since the political assassination of dear Margaret by the dropped pudding-faced Howe and the pompous popinjay Heseltine, we have endured as first minister a junior bank clerk, a failed pop singer, a saturnine Presbyterian, a couple of chancers on the make, a woman who might have been a barely adequate geography teacher and a blond, potato-faced bag of wind. As the saying goes, when a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king, the palace becomes a circus. 

I regret to say that all the current crop of those seeking to replace the blustering pantaloon possess a clownish demeanour. They are not like us. I doubt if any of them could tell the difference between a perch and a pike, a Targhee and a Texel, a Hereford and a Holstein. 

The unpleasant rabble includes millionaire bankers Sunak and Javid, who are clearly in cahoots to carve up positions of influence for their friends.  

I notice the unpleasant Hunt chappie who wanted to imprison everyone who didn’t take the useless jab; the lunatic Truss woman who wants a war with Russia; a fellow called Tugendhat who has French citizenship; Zahawi who stabbed the PM in the front, and a permanently peeved-looking woman called Mordaunt, who doesn’t know what a woman is. Sundry others of no importance, and whose names I forget, are also vying for attention. They remind me of sulky children who have not been invited to a birthday party. 

In the court of the inane and the insane, even the jester can be king. 

There are a couple of women in there whose names begin with B – Bravernoch or some such. They have said a few sensible things, but one of them seems to be a puppet of the schemer Gove and the other has no chance.  

When I survey the scene, or watch the intensely irritating promotional broadcasts of the contenders, I am reminded of Betjeman … 

His only weakness is a lust for power 

And that is not a weakness people think 

When unaccompanied by bribes, or drink 

So let us hear this cool careerist tell 

His plans to turn our country into hell 

I am touched that many of you are urging me to throw my hat into the ring. However, my secretary Catherine cautioned me that the bloodletting will become extremely unpleasant and for your sake, and the reputation of Tittleham, I do not wish you to be exposed to the baseless allegations and calumny that would inevitably be hurled in my direction. 

On a brighter note, I am sure that those of you who attended the Summer Fair in the Hall grounds will have happy memories of the event.  

It was a pleasure to see Lady Veronica back on top form, looking resplendent on her grey hunter, controlling the crowds with her whip. She is now fully recovered from her altercation with the lemon grater.  

As you may have heard, there was an unpleasant scene when Colonel O’Brian objected to Hector Prendergrast’s first place in the wife-carrying competition. He claimed that Hector had divorced his rather stout wife Penelope and married his slightly-built Filipino bride because of a desire to win the coveted trophy. Be reassured, for next year’s competition, Lady Veronica will introduce a handicap system based on age, weight and nationality. 

Your servant,  

Sir Charles Chatterton  

Tittleham Hall  

Middle Tittleham 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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