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Chatty’s melancholy Christmas


OUR Man in Westminster, Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton MP, is committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is happy for TCW Defending Freedom to publish his correspondence to his constituents. Sir Charles has represented the people of Greater Tittleham since entering Parliament in 1966, but is planning to stand down.

AS I contemplate my withdrawal from a life of selfless public service, the cruel winter winds that howl through the arboretum give melancholy accompaniment to my musings. It is easy to dwell on my many accomplishments, but rather than indulge in vainglorious boasting, I am the first to admit that there have been times when I have not reached the highest standards you are entitled to expect from your representative. For example, I have lingered for far too long attached to a party that is but an empty shell, a busted flush, a parody of what it once was.

I made my farewells to the Health Ministry at their lavish Christmas do in the HQ on Victoria Street. The party was addressed by our latest boss, a pushy woman lawyer named Atkins. She did her best to rouse the assembled rabble by saying that, for the first time anyone can remember, hospital waiting lists had declined. I hesitated to point out that the likely reason was that the poor untended buggers had probably died. 

As you all know, the bureaucratic monster that is the NHS staggers from one crisis to another. I read that in recent years hundreds of surgical accessories have been deposited in the bodies of those undergoing operations. One such was my friend Archie Gristlethwaite. He thought something was awry when the airport scanner mysteriously beeped every time he went to his bolthole in Monte. When they opened him up for a second hernia op they found two clamps and a surgical glove. 

You will be pleased to hear that preparations for ‘Fortress Tittleham’ are proceeding well. Some sturdy yeomen have been practising with the trebuchet donated to the cause by the Dowager Cotton. As they were experimenting with different-sized projectiles they inadvertently destroyed a crumbling block of flats owned by some bods in Hong Kong that was rumoured to house illegal aliens. 

The light cavalry has also been in action. Last week, the ‘Knights of Tittleham’, as we are known, engaged in several charges against young volunteers from the local primary school. In retrospect that was not the best idea as their square scattered far too easily, and it was decided that for future practices the children will be replaced by hay bales. 

There has been some comment in the media about an awful woman who works for an insurance company who is critical of her staff should they wish to appoint a white candidate to a post. Why anyone with any gumption would want to work there is beyond me. You will be pleased to hear that Lady Veronica would never think of such discrimination when she appoints staff. Only last week interviews were held for a junior gardening post. The applicants were judged not by the colour of their skin but by their ability to climb a Douglas fir and lop off a few of the top branches with a chainsaw. Not all the applicants made it to the end of the selection procedure.

Once again I invite you to join me for the Christmas services at Saint Ethelwald’s. The Reverend Slope has been advised to avoid any deep theological contemplations and concentrate on the presence of shepherds, angels, kings and donkeys at the birth of our saviour. As ever I invite you to join me in wetting the good Lord’s head in the Drunken Ferret before and after Midnight Mass.

For those of you who cannot attend, Lady Veronica and I wish you all the best for the coming year and we hope that you will join the Tittleham Territorials in our fight for freedom and civilisation.

Your humble servant

Sir Charles Chatterton MP

Tittleham Hall 

Middle Tittleham

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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