Monday, April 15, 2024
HomeCOVID-19Christmas at St Pfizer’s: Order of service

Christmas at St Pfizer’s: Order of service


A warm welcome to all the faithful. Our sidespersons will help you sweep your Covid Pass through the scanner at the lychgate and will check you over with an infra-red thermometer before you take up your socially distanced pew. Please note: If you are pinged during the service, you will immediately be escorted to the Isolation Facility in the car park, where the parish exorcist will attend you.  

1. Let us pray

Our Pfizer, which art headquartered in 42nd Street, New York City, New York,

Hallowed be thy vaccine  

Thy herd immunity never come  

Thy will be done in Britain, as it is in most of the rest of the world  

Give us this day our daily lab-bred genes.

And forgive us our ivermectin trespasses, as we forgive those who tried to persuade us ivermectin worked.  

Lead us not into mask exemption, but deliver us from Covid: For thine is the market share, the power and the profit, for ever and ever.  Amen.  

2. Psalm reading  

Boris is my shepherd; I shall not want.  

He maketh me to wear masks in enclosed premises: He leadeth me away from the unvaxxed.  

He restoreth my immunity: He leadeth me in the paths of conformity for his political future’s sake.  

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Ferguson, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me; thy squad and thy staff they comfort me (when not partying).  

Thou preparest a table of novel therapies before me in the presence of Omicron: Thou anointest my head with oily phrases; while Dilyn thy pup runneth over.

Surely propaganda shall follow me all the days of my life: And I will apply hand gel in the house of the Boris for ever.  

3. Gospel reading  

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Boris Augustus that all the world should be vaxxed.  

And all went to be vaxxed, every one into his own city.  

And Joseph also went up from Galilee, unto the city of Covid.  

To be vaxxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with worry about Omicron.  

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered of an mRNA experimental gene therapy.  

And there were in the same country sheeple abiding, keeping watch over their Downing Street press conferences by night.  

And, lo, the angel of the NHS came upon them, and spread the dread predictions of the Prophet Ferguson among them: And they were sore afraid.  

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: For, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all sheeple.  

For unto you is born this day in the city of Covid a mass vaccination programme.  

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the MSM host praising the NHS, and saying,  

Glory to the NHS in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward the vaxxed. 

As for the unvaxxed, let us smite them.  

4. Homily  

On the theme of ‘mask and you shall receive.’  

5. Carols from the Covid Choir  

Good King Whittylas  

O Come All Ye Triple Jabbed  

Away in a Vaccination Centre  

NHS Bless Ye Merry, Gentlemen  

Once in Royal Covid’s City  

Saline Night  

The First Notwell  

While Shepherds Isolated  

I Saw Three Hypodermics  

In Dulce Jabilo  

After the service, a collection will be taken in aid of the Distressed Pfizer Executives Fund. Please leave in a socially distanced manner. Tea, coffee, biscuits and booster jabs will be served in the church hall.  

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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