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HomeNewsCoffers in crisis at the Bojo Academy as the Bursar has a brainstorm

Coffers in crisis at the Bojo Academy as the Bursar has a brainstorm

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THEY say that a week is a long time in politics. While that’s probably true, a week at the BoJo Academy can seem like an eternity. 

What a busy week it has been for Ms Truss. No sooner had she familiarised herself with the teaching staff and geography of the school premises than, courtesy of the Bursar, she was plunged headlong into a rather unedifying and unnecessary crisis. 

Quite what possessed the Bursar, normally a very steady hand on the school’s financial tiller, to abruptly announce a reduction in boarding fees for boys in the elite house Opulentus, was a vexing mystery. 

Compounding the confusion, he simultaneously released a statement detailing an unwarranted discount in school fees for some, but not all, boys. There were several complaints from parents of pupils on ‘assisted places’, unsure why their progeny had been excluded from this largesse. 

Oddly, it fell to members of the Traffic Management Faculty, who bow to no one in their knowledge of U-turns, to point out the folly of his ways. We hope that their intervention will avoid any further forays down dead ends such as this, or indeed any unexpected bends to the left.  

Displaying her well-recognised ability to quell fears with just the right mot juste, Ms Truss explained ‘lessons will be learned’. Thank you, Headmistress, it is good to know that you are in charge and that these unseemly squalls won’t blow you off course. 

Ups and downs 

It is something of a disappointment to announce that the school’s well-established ‘share club’ – popular with teachers and a number of older pupils – which enjoyed spectacular growth under the competent stewardship of former Economics master Mr Sunak has recently suffered an alarming and potentially catastrophic fall.  

It would be wrong and unfair to lay blame at the door of Mr Sunak’s replacement Mr Kwarteng, who has only just joined the teaching staff. However, his diverting a substantial part of the portfolio into Titanic Industries smacked of a rather amateur and ill-advised approach to financial affairs. 

The Headmistress has made plain her displeasure at this unfortunate and totally avoidable turn of events and has promised to ‘keep an eye on Kwarsi’.  

At the same time, it is worth noting that the opinions of Mr Gove (or Weirdo, as he was affectionately known to one and all) are best ignored. He left the school of his own volition before his track record caught up with him. No one likes a sore loser. 

Bonne idée 

Since the school recently disassociated itself from the European Schools Alliance, it has become increasingly transparent what a poor decision that was. In hindsight, the Governors have concluded that it was a grave error, driven by the hubris of the previous Headteacher. 

How refreshing and extremely welcome that our old friend Monsieur Macron from the Lycée Français has extended an olive branch to Ms Truss. She is thrilled to be invited to the inaugural meeting of the so-called ‘European Political Community’.  

Commenting on her acceptance, the Headmistress said: ‘Monsieur Macron has been a long-standing ally of the Academy; he has been a stalwart of the whole European schools scene. He talks good sense and has several influential contacts who I am sure can bring positive benefits to our humble school.  

‘I was never a fan of leaving the ESA and perhaps this might in some small way lead us a closer and more harmonious relationship with colleagues right across the European schools region. One should not read too much into the word “political”. It really means very little.’ 

Act 1 

On a brighter note, the Dramatic Society is holding auditions for its eagerly anticipated production of Raymond Chandler’s Farewell My Lovely.  

Eagle-eyed boys will have spotted some posters around the school asking for budding thespians to make themselves known to Ms Mordaunt, Head of Drama.  

In keeping with the times, we are reliably informed that the role of Philip Marlowe would be best suited to a person with a cervix. Those identifying as a woman are urged to make themselves known to Ms Penny (as she likes to be called) as soon as possible. Break a leg!  

NB: The culprit responsible for defacing the Dramatic Society posters to read Farewell My Truss will face severe punishment. This activity coincided with the previous Headmaster popping over to the school to collect some forgotten items. That is not an accusation as such, just saying. 

Present Arms 

The Combined Cadet Force has been busy training recently and is now preparing for a long-planned exchange posting to the Kyiv Boys’ School in Ukraine. This will be a very popular trip and demand is likely to be very high. Mr Wallace tells us that places will be allocated on a strictly ‘first come, first served’ basis. If any platoon members are undecided, please don’t prevaricate too long. 

Stop press: The School Outfitters have alerted us to the fact that they have only a very small number of ‘radiation suits’ available in the school colours, which will be mandatory kit for those attending this visit.  

Benvenuta! 

To Ms Meloni, who has taken charge of the failing Italian School in Rome. As the Headmistress adroitly noted: ‘Girl power seems to be catching on, but of course boy power is equally acceptable, as is self-identification power!’ 

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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