Saturday, May 21, 2022
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Come on ladies, man up!

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WE have to face facts. Women are not very good at being women.  

They can’t say they haven’t been given a fair crack of the whip. Despite having many thousands of years to improve their performances, they still lag behind men in many athletic events. 

Fortunately, there are now dedicated men who are committed to showing women how it’s done. 

Take swimming. Many women believe that they are quite good at swimming. They can often be seen ploughing up and down their lanes at what looks like a decent speed. However, this is not good enough.  

Lia (formerly Will) Thomas has become a woman to show women just how useless they are. Will, I mean Lia, is literally streets (lanes?) ahead of every other woman in his races. Maybe women can take a leaf out of Lia’s book and try just a little bit harder in the pool. 

What about cycling? Women can often be seen riding bikes quite well, but it has taken a man, Rhys McKinnon, a new member of the sisterhood, to show them how it’s really done.  

Rhys changed his name to Rachel and trounced some not very good women cyclists to gain first place at the UCI Women’s Masters Track World Championship in the 35-45 age group. Well done, Rhys! 

Sadly, some men who do their best to improve the standard of women’s sport are not very good at being women. A New Zealand man called Gavin Hubbard changed his name to Laurel and tried to show women how to lift heavy objects in the Olympics.  

He was clearly unaware that for a long time women had been lugging around heavy children, washing baskets and crates of beer for their husbands. Laurel was left red in the face when his weightlifting demonstration flopped and he was beaten by the women. 

The Labour Party is fully behind the idea of helping women by allowing men to become women to improve them. To that end it has embarked on a ‘Let Men Show Women How It’s Done’ project. Unfortunately, the initiative has stalled as Labour is unsure what a woman is.  

Anneliese Dodds, the party’s Shadow Secretary of State for Women, is particularly confused. She claims there are ‘different definitions legally around what a woman actually is’, listing ‘the biological definition, legal definition’ and ‘all kinds of things’. 

Dodds believes it depends on ‘what the context is’. It is not clear if she knows whether she is a woman. 

When her Labour colleague Yvette Cooper was asked to define a woman, she also struggled and couldn’t work out why anyone would be bothered to ask: ‘As you can see, I’m avoiding going down rabbit holes because I just think this is pointless.’ 

Pointless to Yvette, perhaps, but no help to the thousands of girls who are waiting for advice from the Labour Party about their future sexual identities. 

A Labour spokesman confirmed that its all-women shortlists for parliamentary candidates are now open to men and ‘all kinds’ of primates. The only stipulation was that they could fulfil the traditional roles of an MP, such as grunting during Prime Minister’s Questions and stumbling through the Lobby. 

We can only hope that women sort themselves out before more gallant men are required to subject themselves to women chattering about period pains, cake recipes and soft furnishings in ladies’ changing rooms. 

Women, get a grip and pull your stockings up! 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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