ACCORDING to the Hollywood Reporter, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have ‘tapped’ Ben Browning, president of film and television production at FilmNation Entertainment, to run their production company Archewell, which is to produce ‘content’ for Netflix.
Content is King in Hollywood. But Context is Queen, and it’s the Queen that usually runs the show, whether you’re in the House of Windsor or Meghan and Harry’s new lifestyle boot camp, Schmaltzwitz.
As a source close to Browning (in the alphabet) I could easily receive emails intended for him if the sender was royally gaffe-prone. Anyway, here’s the pitch for a Netflix show that is now on my computer.
Harry Sussex is no ordinary Cop Out as he walks the line between Royalty and Celebrity in downtown Santa Barbara.
After years of abuse by the Regal system, he’s finally out.
Out of service, out of royal duties and out of his mind.
But most of all, he’s out for revenge.
Revenge on the people who put him in the grey granitorium known as HMP (Her Majesty’s Palace) Buck House.
First, he has to find them. It’s not going to be easy, because the people who funded the operation aren’t known to him. There are millions of them, so he could spend his whole life following the money trail. They’re running rackets like nursing, firefighting and doing the numbers in accountancy departments. All he knows is they all kick some money upstairs to the ironically named ‘civil servants’ at HMRC.
But someone offers Harry a chance to blow them all off. It involves going back to the Palace for one last hatchet job.
His handler, Oprah, promises it’ll be easy. He needs to go back to see the Family and get them talking. If Oprah can get the juice on British Royalty, she could get them cancelled once and for all. Harry says he can get Charles and William talking.
‘Talking? I gotta hear those princes singing like canaries,’ says Oprah.
So Harry puts out the word on the tweet that he wants a meet with Prince Charles. At the Buck House. Alone.
No First Ladies, no equerries and definitely no apothecaries.
‘We’ve both got our principles,’ Harry tells Charles. ‘Yours is hereditary. Mine is celebrity. We can do business.’
It should be an easy Yank job. But the ‘simple plan’ soon begins to unravel once Harry is inside the Buck House.
Unknown to Harry, Charles has been seeing a life coach who tells him to be more tactile.
When Charles unexpectedly hugs Harry, he makes a shocking discovery.
Harry is wearing a wire! ‘Is one’s son a stool pigeon?’ shrieks Charles.
He rushes to the intercom. ‘We’ve got a blasted rat in the organisation,’ he bellows.
Parked outside in a surveillance van, Oprah Winfrey can’t believe what she’s hearing. Harry’s been made. She throws off her headphones, scrambles into the driving seat and fires up the engine.
She makes a crucial mistake in the getaway, driving on the wrong side of the road.
She just misses a horse and carriage coming the other way and swerves on to the pavement, where she ploughs through a flower stand. ‘Good on yer, Oprah’ shouts the cockney costermonger in a guest appearance by Meghan Markle.
Meanwhile, Charles has commandeered a royal carriage and he’s bursting through the glittering gates in hot pursuit.
Next we see a lorry reversing out of an alley as Oprah’s van thunders up The Mall. She just squeezes past but Charles’s carriage is blocked by it. Charles throws his hat on the floor in frustration.
Meanwhile, we see Harry being led away in chains.
William says to him: ‘You’re going to be attending some functions for me now. I hope you like rubber chicken.’
TO BE CONTINUED
No, I don’t feel comfortable discussing how I got a copy of this pitch for a Netflix show. That would be problematic.
Hang on, I just got another idea for a show. Celebrities talk about how Donald Trump is still living rent-free in their heads. A life coach tells them how to cope. We could call it Problem Attic.