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Thursday, May 30, 2024
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Cripes! Welcome to the BoJo TV show

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TCW Defending Freedom has seen a trailer for former Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s forthcoming programme on GB News, BoJo’s World

HI, BOJO here, you may remember me as the lovable buffoon who was briefly the most outstanding PM of his generation . . . not saying much, I agree! (Smirks and looks round the studio)

I’m going to be giving this remarkable new TV channel my unvarnished views on everything from Russia, China, the US election and the war in Ukraine to the best uses of WD40. It will be a veritable potpourri of news, frank opinions and unmissable entertainment. 

BoJo’s World will be a cross between a Euripidean tragedy, Molière’s Tartuffe and Muffin the Mule. Literally anything could happen . . . rather like my time in office! (ruffles hair and grins)

I shall of course be conducting in-depth interviews with prominent people, during which there will be cake, scintillating repartee and the chance of a bit of karaoke . . . but don’t tell the Met!

Moving on, naturally the interviews will be interspersed with some merry quips and jolly japes from your host about whatever comes into my mind . . . (smirks and rolls eyes)

I have a long list of interviewees. I hope at least some will turn up!

You will see me chewing the fat with my old adversary Jeremy Corbyn without whom I would be languishing penniless on the back benches and writing drivel for the Daily Mail . . . oh, hang on, cripes! Cut that bit.

I will be chatting to my great friend Volodymyr Zelensky . . . remember him? The way things are going I expect he’ll be looking for a job on here . . . and he’ll probably be offered one.

I am hoping that the treacherous, backstabbing assassin Sunak will appear to explain why, Brutus-like, he plunged his dagger into the front of yours truly. I am reminded of our great Bard who wrote . . .

You all did love him once, not without cause. 

What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?

O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts, 

And men have lost their reason. 

But I digress. (stares at the screen with a menacing glare)

Talking of brutish beasts, I shall also be chatting to that bounder Hancock. Unlike this presenter he’ll do anything for money. He was the one who made such a mess of my brilliant response to the deadly pandemic.

We will of course be involving my beautiful wife Carrie, over there. Give us a twirl, Carrie . . . Carrie? Oh, perhaps not. No ginger pudding for Boris tonight! (fakes exasperation)

Carrie will be spending the next few weeks checking how three typical British families survive in the simulated Net Zero world of 2030. She will see how the Rashids from Wolverhampton, the Patels from Bradford and the Kwaśniewskis from Peterborough cope with their water, energy and food allowances. They can have no help from neighbours and are strictly forbidden from eating pets or children . . . only joking, of course they can eat their children! The survivors will be nurtured back to health at a three-star hotel . . . obviously all the better hotels are full! (wry smile)

We will also be including a reprise of Call My Bluff. I’ll be recalling some of the promises I made to the electorate and asking my invited guests to remember which ones I meant. (smirk)

Anyway that’s all from me for now. I have no doubt your appetite has been whetted, your mouths are watering and your taste buds are already tickling, so make sure to tune in to the fantastic feast of fun that is BoJo’s World . . . coming soon on the UK’s favourite news channel . . . er . . . oh yes, GB News!

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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