Monday, May 27, 2024
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Crumbling concrete – the BoJo bulletin


THE safety of pupils at the BoJo Academy is of paramount importance, and that is why the Headmaster was swift to take action regarding concerns some parents have about the fabric of the school.

Mr Sunak writes:

‘There has been a lot of coverage in the media about a method of building construction referred to as RAAC (reinforced autoclaved aerated concrete), or on some newer buildings RAAB (reinforced autoclaved aerated brickwork)– not to be confused with a former teacher, Mr Raab, who left the Academy following his well-publicised issues with anger management.

‘Following exhaustive investigations, it has been discovered that premises built using these materials are prone to immediate collapse – with potentially catastrophic consequences.

‘I am happy to report that this problem does not really affect the BoJo Academy. The main building was constructed early in the last century using handmade Imperial bricks. Headers were used to tie across the cavity walls, using bonds such as the ‘rat trap’ which can be seen adjoining the school’s much-commented-on and rather frightening gargoyle, ‘old Ted’.

‘However, that is not to say that the school is immune to this worrying discovery. The unisex lavatories, which were enabled by a well-supported fundraiser three years ago, were found to be not up to safety standards. Built using a modern yet rather untested system, pairing non-binary bricks with multi-gender mortar, at the time it was believed to offer maximum versatility with ease of construction. It has since been comprehensively discredited. To avoid any unfortunate accidents with crumbling masonry hitting pupils, it has been decided that for the moment we revert to using the old boys’ and girls’ lavatories which were decommissioned after the unveiling of the new facilities.

‘I know that this will come as both a shock and disappointment to parents and pupils alike who had very much warmed to the unisex approach which was part of our culture of equality, inclusivity and diversity. For individuals uncomfortable at having to choose – which is perfectly understandable – Mrs Headmaster has kindly offered the downstairs cloakroom at our Lodge to be at their disposal.’

What a kind and thoughtful gesture, which will be appreciated across the board.

Girl Power

While not directly concerning our own school, it is nevertheless heartwarming to hear of women doing well in the workplace. That is why we rejoice at the news that Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive has appointed a new deputy head.

Ms Rayner, or ‘Angie’ as she likes to be known, has been at the very forefront of helping the school in its endeavours. With her trademark red hair and an appreciative following amongst some older boys, she has been something of a revelation. Her expertise in English Literature with modules on Anglo Saxon vernacular is surpassed only by her astonishing grasp of Keynesian economics. She will be a welcome addition and great support to Mr Starmer’s ‘top team’.

Farewell to Arms

No, not the book!

Mr Wallace, who for some years has guided the school’s CCF Brigade, has decided that it is time to hand his Sam Browne belt to someone younger. We will be sad to see Mr Wallace go, but his lack of experience in military matters has become acutely embarrassing in recent months.

Thankfully, waiting in the wings we have a more than capable replacement in the shape of supply teacher Mr Shapps. While there have been some dissenting voices querying his suitability, the Headmaster makes his decision clear:

‘Mr Shapps is without question a more-than-qualified individual to mould the CCF into the fighting force it should have been under Mr Wallace. His impressive CV details how he once queued behind someone wearing a uniform in the supermarket on the High Street. It is exactly this broad and deep military experience that will be of great use to his recruits. We wish him well in his new role.’

Finally, might we remind teachers that they should exercise extreme caution when talking about Academy matters with the local media. Embarrassing technological mishaps can lead to awkward conversations, as Miss Keegan found out to her cost. We would remind all staff that it is best left to the Headmaster to vocalise school policy.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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