Saturday, July 24, 2021
HomeNewsDemo memo for the Cop-Out Cops

Demo memo for the Cop-Out Cops

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FOLLOWING a Freedom of Information request to the National Police Chief’s Council (NPCC)**, TCW has received a copy of the advice given to Chief Constables relating to the appropriate response when dealing with disruption caused by various organised groups. 

Target: Statue Removers 

Earnest and boisterous rapscallions who tear down statues of disreputable colonialist monsters 

Strategic Interventions 

The Health and Safety of those demolishing the statues is of paramount importance. Ensure that their work is not interrupted by those who disagree with their worthy aims. Otherwise use the time to create new TikTok dances, or revisit a Common Purpose training manual. 

Status 

Low priority  

Equipment Required 

Warning signs to advise motorists and pedestrians to stay well clear. Ambulance service on standby to assist any protesters trapped under fallen masonry. 

Target: Pride Marchers 

Charming individuals from the LBTQNBRYFGBZJ+ Community. 

Status 

Low priority  

Strategic Interventions 

Encourage officers from the Community to engage the demonstrators in banter, drumming and improvised dancing. Encourage marchers to swap costumes and headwear with officers. 

Equipment Required 

Multi-coloured garlands, face paint, flowers, rainbow bunting and a copy of The Bumper Book of Personal Pronouns

Target: Extinction Rebellion 

It is quite common for this group to block roads, access to buildings and engage in similar juvenile stunts to promote climate justice.  

Status 

Low priority  

Strategic Interventions 

The demonstrators for this worthy cause were indulged by their nannies as children but have never recovered from the absence of parental affection. Treat them as you would a truculent child who demands another lollipop. Eventually their collective tantrum will peter out as they begin to miss their bedtime story and cocoa. 

Equipment Required 

Lego, cuddly toys and chocolate buttons to share with the demonstrators. 

Target: Grooming Gangs 

Groups of men of predominantly (redacted) origin who prey on underage vulnerable (redacted) females and use alcohol and drugs to entice their victims.  

Status 

Very low priority  

Strategic Interventions  

In the interests of (redacted) relations and (redacted) harmony it is necessary to use whatever device is possible to prolong the investigation. If the culprits are apprehended do not reveal their (redacted) of (redacted) or faith to the media to avoid (redacted) tensions in the community. In the event of a successful prosecution the offenders are unlikely to be (redacted). 

Equipment Required 

Sinclair ZX80 or Amstrad CLC 464 to collect and store evidence, or preferably pencil and paper. 

Target: People Smugglers  

Those facilitating the movement to the UK of impoverished young men from various Middle Eastern and African countries. 

Status 

Very low priority  

Strategic Interventions 

Border Force personnel are the responsibility of the Home Office and therefore no action should be instigated against them. 

Equipment Required 

Help with transport to hotels and delivery of halal meals when required. 

Target: BLM 

Following the untimely and tragic death of a highly-respected pillar of the community in a city 4,000 miles from these shores, it is natural that multi-millionaire sportspeople, and large corporations with no ulterior motives should support the struggle for racial equality and justice of the oppressed people of colour in this country. BLM is truly representative of this movement and its leaders are suffused with gladness of heart and have purity in their souls. 

Status 

Low priority  

Strategic Interventions  

After showing a token presence it is recommended that officers withdraw in a dignified fashion. In the event of the need for a hasty departure, those of portly proportions should not be deployed. 

Equipment Required  

Knee pads, running shoes  

Target: Lockdown Protesters 

A terrifying mob that will intimidate officers with bloodcurdling chants such as ‘Choose your side’ and ‘Freedom’. These people are enemies of the state and cannot be allowed to promote subversion and treason. 

Status 

Highest priority  

Strategic Interventions 

Pre-empt their violent intent with random baton charges. Show no mercy, especially to the vicious pensioners, women and children amongst them. 

Equipment Required 

Full body armour, handcuffs, CS gas spray, drones, water cannons, snipers and armed tactical support on standby. 

Target: Wedding Guests 

Status  

High priority  

Strategy 

There is a significant risk that wedding guests will not observe the requirement to avoid singing and dancing and observe social distancing. As enforcers of the Medico Technological component of the Great Reset, it is our duty to crack down mercilessly on transgressors (with exceptions for dignitaries at events such as Wimbledon, Royal Ascot, G7, Wembley etc). 

Equipment Required 

See Lockdown Protesters 

**The NPCC appreciates that the use of the word ‘Chief’s’ is an inappropriate, outdated and sexist cultural appropriation. It will in future be referred to as the National Police People of Various Genders Races and Mixed Abilities Council (NPPVGRMAC). In view of the likely offence the use of the word ‘Chief’ has caused the indigenous people of North America, the Council has agreed to pay substantial reparations to The Confederation of American Tribes. 

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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